How to throw a smashing baby shower

• Invite the mama's very eclectic mix of friends to mingle together in joy.
• Somehow pull together an amazingly plentiful spread of food, including sweet, salty, fresh, colorful, and delicious.
• Insist- inspite of everyone's mild protests - on playing just one game and promise everyone that there is a GREAT prize for the winner (causing the mama to wonder aloud if perhaps it is a dildo?) if they would please just play along and take a tiny blue pin and try not to say the word BABY.
• Spit chardonnay on the first person to say 'BABY'; point, laugh, cheat.
• Announce that the word 'vagina' should, in fact be mentioned frequently at the estrogen rich gathering.
• Participate in ensuing conversation peppered with many mentions of the words 'naked, vagina, epidural'.
• Create a mild scene when the preggo mama gasps sharply and covers mouth at the audible mention of the forbidden word, causing everyone to think she has gone into labor.
• Suggest naming the baby 'Braxton-Hicks'.
  
• Bring your best camera and take many many belly pictures from many many different angles, including one with many hands on the biggest belly.
  
• Insist on everyone else baring their bellies along with the mama's for the best group photo ever.
• Insist VEHEMENTLY that the biggest belly is the most beeyooootiful belly ever exposed to womankind.
• Deteriorate rapidly into a heavily scrutinized and showy comparison of stretch marks and sagging asses.
• Serve large bowls of creme puffs to distract everyone from the talk of stretch marks and sagging asses.
• Shower the mama-to-be with wishes for the healthiest, best baby in the world, emphasized by confidence and punctuated with heartfelt tears.
• Present the mama with hand made quilts, tiny soft blue outfits, fuzzy blankies, and -TA~DA - a video monitor so that afore-mentioned baby will never be out of surveillance range, AND a hand-sewn (yes, SEWN) tiny suit and helmet made from bubble wrap to cover ALL facets of overprotective motherhood...causing the mama to break down into convulsive fits of laughter that - once again - have many convinced she is going into labor.
• Present the winner of the game with a gift that is indeed lovely, and is indeed not a dildo.
• Convince the mama that she really does not resemble the bulgy-the-whale ride at the boardwalk, causing bulgy-the-mama to shed grateful tears.
• Promise the mama to shower her AGAIN with homemade prepared meals and perfunctory baby adoration AFTER the blessed event.
• Send the mama home, because really, people, a hormonal preggo chick can only take so much showering of vagina talk, creme puffs, affection, tears of joy, false labors, and kindness, at this estrogen-laden event.