Before, and After

Last night I had one of those dreams which freaks people out when I talk about it, so I am not going to (talk about it). I had no idea where I was because at first, nothing made sense; I was either at Michael Jackson's neverland ranch or Dollywood, and since I have never been to either one, I guess it was just completely made up in my head land.
I apparently bought a ticket to go on the roller coaster, because when I woke up, I had the distinct feeling that I had ridden on one.


I had a baby in my arms, we snuggled in the mysteriously placed rocking chair. I thought he felt small for Bubbles, Bubbles was the only baby I could think of who might be in my arms. He was too light. I looked down and pulled him up to me at the same time. The smell, the whiff.
I was instantly transported. For a moment or six, I cannot say, as dreams tend to mess with my timeclock, I was transported to a life before he was gone. A time when the phrase 'before he died' didn't exist. The smell. The unmistakable smell of him.
Rainbows of color swirled above me, confused in their path, unsure of whether to create light or create a brown mud around me.

There was light.
For a moment, he was never gone, there was no 'before'. There was no 'after'.
There was only Elijah.
He was just here. In my arms. He was mine; he always had been.
All of his cedary sweet milky vanilla gorgeous cheeky delicious chunky ethereal baby awesomeness was mine.
For a moment I was allowed the thrill of him, the thrill of being his mother. The incredible 'I'm not worthy' feeling as I gazed at this beautiful creature and breathed him in. The pride.
For a moment I felt joy when I looked down at my son.
For a moment I felt the love gushing out of me, the dam had broken, it all rushed straight into my son while I watched it pour all over him. I could not stop it; it all was his and there he was, in my arms, absorbing every single drop.
For a moment and all at once, I felt the opportunity and risks of motherhood - I allowed myself a dream for this child I held in my arms who now held my heart and our future.

Which was my fatal error. Our future.

In a moment it was gone. The ignorance, the bliss, the absence of markers such as 'before' and 'after'.
The light swirled quickly, losing any color, creating darkness.

In a moment, my brain came back early from its vacation and tapped me on the shoulder.
Tap tap tap.
"Go away," I said rudely, "I am not ready for you."
Tap tap tap.
"Please," I began to beg, "Please let me have him."
Tap tap tap.
It was too late.

I knew there was something wrong. I knew I wasn't supposed to have him.
Suddenly, there was a 'before'. There was an 'after'.
I began to cry. I sensed he was going to be taken from me. I looked around for someone to help me, but nobody was there. I was alone in an eerie abandoned park with my baby.
I clutched him closer to me, I breathed him in again; his scent was the reassurance that he was still there, still mine, still Elijah.
He was.
But he was slipping out of my arms.
Tap tap tap.
Brain here. Memories accessed. He's gone. You're dreaming.
Tap tap tap.

"STOP!" I grabbed him more tightly. "I NEED HIM! YOU DON'T NEED HIM! WHY WOULD YOU TAKE HIM FROM ME?"

In a moment I knew again that I was not worthy. He was not mine.
I started to gasp - to suck him in faster.

Tap tap tap.
In a moment, there was the gut wrenching memory of him leaving us.
In a moment I remembered his last breaths, and in a moment, he was gone.

Before:

After: