Four months ago and one day I thought I knew what you looked like. I thought I knew who you would be and what you would be like...you see, I had to. I had to try and have some picture of you that created the essence of life for me to look forward to - because I have spent so much time worried about not getting to hold you in my arms, not getting to keep you, having to give you up. No matter who you were, before you were even conceived, I spent so much time wanting you and fearing for you. But those were my fears, founded or not, and they were not about you.
And today I can say that you look nothing at all like what I thought. Nothing like what I had created in my maternal fantasies. And that is great, because first of all, you're sooo much cuter than I ever could have imagined, and second, it lets me discover who you are, not who I thought you would be. Well, Duh, you might say. Third time around and your mama's just figuring out the obvious stuff like each child is different NOW? Yep. You got yourself real prize mama here, little feller!
I am going to tilt the mommyblog-gag-ometer here and say that you are the biggest joy in our lives - bigger than you will ever be able to imagine - and I hope you always feel that love in your core. The beginnings of your life, which is all I can speak for right now, are so filled with loving you that you smell like kisses.
Speaking of joy, you are full of it.
You are the happiest baby I have personally ever produced, and every smile you toss my way earns you more gold stars than a roomful of potty trainers.
You smile for me, for dada, for your personal fairie, aka supergirl, for the goddesses ( those would be my breasts). You have a great sense of humor. You giggle at dancing and just today gave yourself hiccups laughing over the sheer hilarity of the word 'muddy' (repeated over and over). In the mornings, after you have been snorting and tossing and sucking and turning for about 3 hours already and I am still tired, you watch me from the crook of my arm where you were 'sleeping'. I know because one of my eyes is slit open. When I finally open both eyes, you grin the happiest dopiest silliest grin I have ever seen and thus begins our day.
When we brought you home from the hospital, your least favorite thing in the world (in your two day experience) was getting your diaper changed. You would scream the scream of the unholy night creatures, and we would have to endure this about 8-10 times a day, just to get a fresh huggies on you. Now you actually like having a little fresh air, and love to get a change so much that sometimes when you are fussy, I just put you on your changing altar and take your pants off to fool you into thinking that you are getting a change.
You love your changing station so much that you poop first thing every morning so that I have no choice but to get up and carry you over there to be changed.
You are grasping and batting and cooing, just like a baby your age is supposed to be doing. But you do it with far more style! Your favorite word to say is 'ning'. I am not sure what this means, but you really favor the effect it has when said repeatedly, "ningningningningningning" and I am pretty positive that that alone is a sign of great intelligence.
You love to stand and bounce on mama so we tried out the bouncer the other day and you loved it. You also love your bumbo seat (so do we) and your baby crack bouncer. The key with you is to mix it up. At four months, you get bored easily.
You love your mother earth lullabies and classical music. You don't like your sister's preschool head banging ditties so much. You nurse well but not with distractions. You are a light sleeper. You prefer to be in mama's arms, well, most of the time.
You look so much like your big sister did at this age it is frightening. You gaze at her with the confidence one uses when addressing one of their own clan. You are, this very moment, curled up in her spooned warmth. I didn't think I would see this much love between the two of you so soon. You two ooze it for each other, and this makes my heart swell and ache.
You are a pro at nursing, throwing your head back to get a running start on your latch, then forcefully shoving your whole face into my breast to get your hookup. You get frustrated if the milk doesn't come out fast enough, and flail and growl like a little baby tiger until it flows more freely. Then you noisily chow down, occasionally looking up to lock in to the nursing gaze, and then you grin, the corners of your mouth turning up as you grasp your lunch in between.
Thank you so much for choosing our family!
You are growing, you are healthy, and to top that all off, you are also fabulously fun to be with AND adorable.
You are loved.