Wednesday, January 27, 2010

How Scary Was It??

I need to say something here, and pardon me in advance for being redundant or painfully obvious.

I am so sick and tired of this bullshit. Seriously wearing thin.
But what's breaking me down isn't just the hostility and continued manipulation. It's not the bitter insults and accusations about to be hurled at me. It's not even the angry allegations that I am unfit or poisoning the children against him. Things which are so ridiculously untrue don't bother me.
What bothers me is his absolute devotion to proving his actions were justified. Putting so much energy for nine months into proving he had to chase me into the house to defend himself. Being so dedicated to proving I deserved it. Conveniently forgetting that even he thought it was wrong until I reported it and showed the bruises and confided in fear to a sheriff what I suddenly realized he was trying to do....kill me.

I am relatively sure he never meant to threaten my life - I think that part even surprised him. But the reality is that he lost control, attacked me, let go, chose to attack me again, and folded me into little bits until I could not breathe. Waited until no more sound was coming out to let go. It was, in a word, terrifying.

I didn't think it would take such drastic measures, but I really believe that unless he ever has someone yank his arms behind him, put him in a full nelson, pressure him into a choke hold, and hold his body immobile until the breath is squeezed out of him and his neck is millimeters away from being snapped, he won't ever understand how terrifying it was.

He told the court that the restraining order was 'unnecessary'.....which is pretty revealing about how far we are from ever reaching a point of understanding.

It's his determination to prove that I deserved it which scares me the most. Nine months of probation and half a year of DV classes have done nothing to change his opinion of his own perpetration of violence.

Terrify.
Terrifying.
Terrified.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

So the X man hasn't changed.... Not surprised, however I am surprised at his lack of judgement knowing this will only interfere with him getting to see his children on his terms....

Eventually he will have to sit there and take it from someone just like you did from him for all that time....

Nicolene said...

*hug* You are amazing.

Sophie said...

I'm so sorry. :(

Which Box said...

I am really sorry. I wish there as more to say than that.

Anonymous said...

You are so brave.

TGM said...

Almost 6 months ago, the man I left and divorced 7 years ago for a very detailed and graphic threat against my life, took 1 of my daughters from me and kept her for several weeks. I had to go back to court and have a judge order her return, and his only punishment was a verbal slap, and the allowance to sue me for full custody. And of only 1 daughter, not the other.
Since then, I've sued him for non-payment of child support in the thousands, and while we're doing this whole court nightmare, he's still allowed to see the girls, talk on the phone with them, and be so freaking manipulative, I want to scream. It's all my fault, he lost his job (the 30th? in 7 years?) he has no money, he's losing his house, his car, his phone. And all I can do is tell the little ones that I'm sorry and stroke their hair, and wish with all my might he would just go away.
~Sigh~
It never seems to get easier as time goes by, but what I can do and what I keep doing is the same thing you are. Be the one there for them, be the one they know they can turn to, be the one who is consistently their rock. It pays off in the end or so I've heard.
More power to you, you're doing a helluva a job making lemonade.
(Sorry for the rant, I'm very frustrated right now, and it comes to the fore when I read others stories like this.)

MountainMommaSpy said...

Gwen, so sorry to hear you are going through all of this. :( Having survived both an abusive divorce and the family court, I know how hard it can be. Please feel free to call if you need anything, I'm still in Boulder Creek.

Another Suburban Mom said...

I just hate your ex husband, and I'm only on the second post. Your http://gwendomama.blogspot.com/strength is wonderful.

Anonymous said...

It doesn't matter what he thinks.

Remember that.

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

catching up.

My Go.

Wish I could swear cause DAY-UM those expletives would be 'colourful'

Love to you babe. You are my hero.

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