5/11/04

Again comes the Spring....again comes the day.
'The Season of Grief', to which I have often referred any significant occurrence during this time.

It's been seven years.

7 years since the pediatrician denied the request for admitting him into the hospital. It was 'only bronchitis and not pneumonia'. She was right. But bronchitis can kill a child who has detrimentally developmental issues, and/or hypotonia....and it did. His weakened little body could not possibly come up with the resources required to clear one's own lungs.
And bronchitis did kill.
Kill.
My son.

After he died, someone told me not to make any Big Decisions within a year....and I didn't.
After he died, someone told me that it would take 3 yrs and 3 days to 'recover' from my grief.
After he died, someone told me that I needed to 'just let go'....
After he died, my life took on
a
new)}+
shape.

This is my history.
This is my life.


This is Ours to share or not.


I don't mean to get all.....
morose
or
overly poignant....

But this day was the day I said

'GoodbyeI'msosorryIletyoudownbylettingyoudie......'

And I am still sorry.
Because if a parent cannot keep their child alive, then what worth do they have??


But I am here.
And I am parent,mother,doctor,paper.

I am everything to them, I am nothing.

I have ashes in my cupboard.

I will survive this, because I choose now...

to LIVE it.



I will not passively let this day pass me by.

I will live it.

I will live every moment of it.