5/11/04

Again comes the Spring....again comes the day.
'The Season of Grief', to which I have often referred any significant occurrence during this time.

It's been seven years.

7 years since the pediatrician denied the request for admitting him into the hospital. It was 'only bronchitis and not pneumonia'. She was right. But bronchitis can kill a child who has detrimentally developmental issues, and/or hypotonia....and it did. His weakened little body could not possibly come up with the resources required to clear one's own lungs.
And bronchitis did kill.
Kill.
My son.

After he died, someone told me not to make any Big Decisions within a year....and I didn't.
After he died, someone told me that it would take 3 yrs and 3 days to 'recover' from my grief.
After he died, someone told me that I needed to 'just let go'....
After he died, my life took on
a
new)}+
shape.

This is my history.
This is my life.


This is Ours to share or not.


I don't mean to get all.....
morose
or
overly poignant....

But this day was the day I said

'GoodbyeI'msosorryIletyoudownbylettingyoudie......'

And I am still sorry.
Because if a parent cannot keep their child alive, then what worth do they have??


But I am here.
And I am parent,mother,doctor,paper.

I am everything to them, I am nothing.

I have ashes in my cupboard.

I will survive this, because I choose now...

to LIVE it.



I will not passively let this day pass me by.

I will live it.

I will live every moment of it.

Beach Day: Happy Spring!

He will never turn eight.

Tomorrow is Elijah's birthday.
He's not turning eight this year.

Tomorrow, Supergirl is also debuting as a flower in her school's production of 'The Wizard of Oz'. It's a big deal, if you didn't know. FYI, the flowers are the very ones who greet Dorothy when she arrives in Munchkinland.

And Bubbles?
He is doing just fine. He's working on distinguishing the differences between 'w', 'l' and 'r', and we are coming along nicely. He also loves music and has developed a recent interest in show tunes.

When I tell you that my son died (almost) 7 years ago, I expect you to understand, at this point, that this is just part of our family history. He's just like Supergirl and Bubbles. He lived in our family.
I am the mama of three.
I will also expect you, as a decent and selfless human being, to allow me to talk about THAT son and the things I miss about him.
Freely.
At any time.
Without offending or skeeving you out.
Seriously.
I am the mama of three.

At this point, it's not too much to ask.

Because I really, really, REALLY miss him.

Acupuncture Saved Me Again

It isn't like it hadn't been recommended before.
It had...come up...it had...been suggested.

You know, you are carrying an overwhelming burden. Self-care is important. You are doing a great job caring for the children. You need to take some measures to reduce this amount of stress for yourself while protecting them from it all.... It's too much. What has happened could put anyone on the edge, let alone someone with the cumulative amount of shit you have had to wade through recently. This hits it out of the ballpark. Do something. Here are some numbers.

Yes!! Thank you for the great suggestions. I will just reach into my overdrawn bank account and pay a practitioner to help me.

But then the fabulous suggestion turned into a strong recommendation. One might even call it an insistence. Which manifested as a high-five and a heartfelt agreement.

Fine, I agreed. I took the numbers and called.
And I couldn't believe it when I called....was this for real????
Acupuncture on a sliding scale for $25 low end????

It's been rough here.
We're up; we're down.
Up was feeling so good.
Then: Unimaginable Pitfall
Lately...downish.
Too much.
Piled on.
Too much to digest.
Too much.

So I realized I had no more excuses. I had to go and try it out.
I hadn't been to acupuncture in more than a year, and this was a new practitioner.

It was a slightly different treatment than I remembered with the previous LAC, whom I saw for nearly 10 years - this guy tapped the needles in a bit more...err...firmly? I felt it, but it wasn't exactly a definable pain... and then he gave them a distinct twist, which felt like an electrical charge, which made me jump only twice. Or cringe. Or twitch. Any one of those is acceptable.
I was skeptical.
Then I was left to relax with those needles. I was glad for the blanket I had first politely refused - the needles can make you cold! Warm enough, I started to actually relax.
I breathed.
I thought.
I tried not to think so I could relax.
I remembered how badly I suck at meditation.
I tried breathing and tried to not remember how badly I suck anymore.
I think it must have worked to relax me.
Then I cried.
I don't like this bit.
But it wasn't overwhelming snot-wracked sobs or anything.
Just some quiet streaming tears.
I didn't like it a bit.
But yeah, I cried.

And you know what?
IT FELT GREAT.


I am going back.

SNOW DAY

No, I don't even live in Tahoe - just 12 miles from the California coast! It's all about the elevation. We have some.

Bubbles' First Essay

I am a part-time home-schooling mom of a reluctant kindergartner.
My son will most certainly be attending two years of K, for reasons determined even before he was enrolled. (long story short: Child with birthday 1 mo before CA cut-off date for K eligibility renders him ineligible for preschool tuition assistance - and yes, even the child with a delay. So he is in K.)

Home-schooling for us has meant many things. We have gone to see the various stages of decay of an 86 foot blue whale which washed ashore 20 miles north.
We have watched the progression of local butterfly migration.
We have smashed pumpkins off a deck to grow more pumpkins.
We have counted sea lions off the wharf.
We have played 'knights and batman' (very complicated with embellishable rules, apparently).
We have counted strawberries into snack cups, snack cups into muffins, muffins into boxes....you get the idea.

One of my favorite resources from our I/S (Independent Study; which equates those 2 days/wk of home-schooling, in addition to his 3 days/wk teeny classroom experience) happen to be those little hand-outs from which are usually WAY above Bubbles' head but get the creative juices flowing.

Last week we read the and I asked him a few questions about his own climate and our own location. He proceeded to dictate to me, the following 'essay' on 'Where I Live':

My house is in California.
I live in B*****D***.
It's a mountain.
We have a beach called 'Shell Beach'.
Sometimes it snows.
We get rain up here!
We always go to swimming class.
We always have playdates up to O's house or down to my house.
And we ALWAYS go to school.
We have fun getting shells.


#ApraxiaCanSuckIt

Apraxia in Action; Continued....

Tomorrow is Bubbles' first IEP at his new school. In fact, it will be his first IEP in elementary school. It's late October, and I still try and wrap my brain around the twisted fact that he ended up in kindergarten this year.

I've already been warned that he will lose services. The school, bless their budget-deficient little soul, set me up nicely by suggesting at first that he will no longer qualify for any speech services, as a result of having made so much progress in the past three years. Now, I love this school, and I get it that they have no money, but there is no way I am going to accept that he is cured of Apraxia merely because they don't have funding for speech therapy.
I had a blunt talk with the SLP and let her know that I do not like surprises, and would hope to not expect any at the upcoming IEP.
To her credit, she called me last week making her recommendations. I cringed at the number of times she ignored my 'motor planning' questions and cringed again each time she peppered her recommendations with the phrase 'articulation disorder'.
BECAUSE APRAXIA IS NOT AN ARTICULATION DISORDER!!!

(Sorry for shouting. But it's not.) (Inability to articulate is a SYMPTOM.)


Anyway....I don't expect to be surprised when they tell me they are cutting his services in half, down to 1/2 hour session per week.
Saying he is 'almost all better' would feel great.....if it were actually true.
But the truth is, California is broke, and the educational system is broken. I hope some administration employees in Sacramento are having a lovely lunch out today. I bet the tab could be close to $90! Which is EXACTLY what an hour of private speech therapy costs. The VERY SAME speech therapy which my child is about to lose.
Hmmmm.


With that said, I am able to push aside the doom and gloom and for a little while the oh-so-many-concerns I have about his future learning challenges.
Why? Because I am grateful to have this child beyond belief. I am grateful to be able to watch the layers of his intelligence be revealed as his expressive language capacity increases. It is the most amazing process. It's not developmental, technically, because he is being treated for something which would not correct itself with a delay. But it is developmental as I watch him achieve communication milestones and make the connections.
His brain appears to be working overtime as his capacity for intelligible speech increases.

This weekend he came running up to me.
"Mommy!!! Mommy!!!! LISTEN TO THIS!!!! 'Plane' you go somewhere! 'Playing' you have fun! 'Plain', with nothing on it. OH MY GOD!!!"

OMG indeed, little man. You managed to blow my mind yet again.

Happy Birthday, Dear Supergirl

Dear Supergirl;

Today you are nine.

You deserve all the great things that have happened for you in your recent past, and none of the horrific things.
You deserve kittens, rainbows, silky things, cake and candy, and all the love the world has to give you.

You are strong, you are unique, you are brilliant, you are creative, you are kind, you are startlingly gorgeous, you are so very you.

Without you, the world would be 9 shades more dull in every color.

You are amazing, and I thank you for giving me the greatest two gifts in the world:
Yourself. And motherhood.

I love you.

Ummm...Okay, so I lied.

We had been talking about it for a while...if the right (free, siamese) kitteh came along...

And lo! There were sisters!

Don't panic, we're not keeping both of them...and yes!

We have access to vet care!

My niece is visiting and it's all her fault I came home with a kitteh we decided to partner up in this crime of early birthday present for Supergirl....with the added bonus of supercousins having sister kitties....

We have a few days to decide which is the best match, but I am placing bets on the one we call 'Sassy'. Any guesses why?

You could never have said no to that face either.

Thank You, Internet

Yesterday I had six dollars and eleven cents to my name.
I also had two shut-off notices.
I wrote a whiny post about not being able to afford anything anymore - gas, food, and least of all, my daughter's $20 stuff a bear field trip with her Brownie troop....and worrying that when her birthday arrives in three weeks, I will have nothing special for her.

I was defeated, deflated, and sick of my own whining.

I didn't know how I would get to work (gas money), pay the rent, or feed my family next month. I had hoped he would have repaid me by now, or at least have tried. I was deep in the hole and only sinking deeper, in spite of attempts to avoid this quicksand.

I am only one person.
I am full time mother, I am part time father, I am events coordinator, breadwinner and the decider. I am exhausted just trying to tread water. I have been in this cold ocean for over a year. A year ago, I thought it would be better now.
My life is my own, and so that is better.
But my life must be carefully guarded against his (expected) attempts to regain control over me - for once I stepped over that line of friendship to relationship, in his mind, I became his property.

It took one generous, kind and brilliant person, and then another, and about 200 friends, acquaintances, and strangers to remind me that my life is mine. And it is precious.

And we are going to make it.


Supergirl thanks you for Marley's dress and leash.
I thank you for gas money and the smile on her face.
And for doing more for my children than their own father has.
And for the kleenex I purchased after reading all your beautiful comments.

And for restoring my faith in humanity.

You are an amazing community. A year ago I was told to take this blog down.
I am so glad I didn't listen to anyone but my heart.


Thank you.

Gwendomama's Mom Car Fund

You asked, I listened.....Y'all are too kind.

If you can help Gwendomama's family obtain a mini-van, please donate.
Here's the full story on why we need one....

If you know of anyone selling their mini-van, I will pay the donations forward to the seller.

Thank you.

Supergirl's Room Rules

I would totally hang out in that room.

I love this kid so very much. Have I mentioned that lately?

Verizon Disney Mobile Magic part 2: Video Style

Remember how I told you about this?
My little trip to Disneyland?
(btw, no I did NOT call myself a 'top mommy blogger' Alltop already did that...shhh!!!)

It Surprised Me Too.

I have had some surprisingly flirting encounters lately.
Surprising, as in, I didn't really realize it was flirting until after the encounter(s).
Flirting, as in, I didn't really expect to be using that word at my age. But it's not my fault. I promise I didn't initiate it.

A good friend asked me what I first thought of when I saw someone I found interesting, or noticing me (or realized - too late? - that he was flirting).
'Huh?' - was my first response....'You mean people are like...flirting with me??'
(turns out, yes)

Anyway, the question persisted....so...was the first priority thought:
Does he have a job?
Why is he hitting on me?
How good looking is he?
How old?
Ring?
Why is he hitting on me?


I responded, without really thinking about it,
"Well...I guess I look at every dude now and wonder if he would hurt someone if he got mad. I just wonder if he would hurt someone. Actually, I wonder that about the women who overtly flirt with me too."

That is what I worry about the most now. Violence. Unpredictability. Crossing that limit.
Being physically threatened.
Violence.

I worry that my daughter our daughter will expect nothing less for herself.

My friend said "Well I remember provoking Dude to be angry many times early in our relationship. I wanted to see how he would react."
What I know about this friend is that she was abused by her father and she never went back. What I know about this friend is that she is one of the strongest and most objective friends I have and one of the best mothers I know. The mother who can change things when she fux it all up, and the friend who can say 'you need to change what you are doing because you might be fuxing it all up' because she isn't afraid of change.
She reminds me that I am not afraid of change.
I watched to see her husband's reaction to her description of challenging his temper. He shook his head, remembering it with clarity and an obvious shred of residual terror, then saying, "I get it now. I understand that. Men can be pigs. She had to test me. But we communicate."
And he does. And they do. And he gets her. And respects who she is and has accommodated his life changes - as has she - to pursue their life as a couple.
They communicate.
They adore each other.
Shocking.

I have a village, and I am grateful that they are part of it.

Verizon Disney App Adventure; Part 1

Remember that secret I may have leaked a teeny tiny bit once or twice?

Yeah, that one.

Well...I was actually working while I was there so don't tell anyone how much fun I really had. I didn't think I would personally enjoy going to Disneyland as much as I would enjoy watching my kids have fun in Disneyland, but well....okay. I liked the mouseland, ALRIGHT??? Can we just keep this between us? Okay, you, me and Verizon.

Verizon?
Yes, Verizon. I was offered the opportunity by my friend, David Hoffman to try out a new Verizon application for Disneyland, and put it to the Gwendomama challenge. I had no idea what I was doing with either the app or Disneyland, because I (shhhhh) am was a Disneyland virgin, and if you saw how many keys were missing from my laptop you would easily and correctly assume my lack of technical snobbery or expertise. But I do love to have fun, and so not only did I accept the challenge...I agreed to be filmed while trying it. (As long as I could say whatever I wanted, whenever.)



I may or may not have been drunk crazed when I agreed to the filming part, but my friends hid the evidence and held me to my agreement.
Okay, I totally made that last part up because I hate the sound of my own voice and can't believe I agreed to be filmed. Why on earth would I talk about getting drunk in the same paragraph I mention Disneyland? This is a family blog. And Disneyland is ALL about the family fun and NOT AT ALL about endorsing drinking heavily. Unless you count Goofy.

First I was all, "Why do I need a special application on my phone to navigate Disneyland?" But nobody could hear me because they were all chatting away on their bluetooth devices. So I shouted, "WHY CAN'T I JUST USE THE PARK PROVIDED MAP?" and looked down to find my instantly discarded to the stroller map being mutilated by my small child. That was easy. Now I knew why, and also made a mental note to not allow the phone near said small child.

Turning on the phone, I found the 'Disney Mobile Magic' app and as soon as it loaded, it found me too! "Look!! It found us!!" I told Heidi, excitedly, "Look! That circle is us!!"
So yes, it knew where we were instantly. Which I find both awesome and creepy. I kept looking over my shoulder to see if someone was shining the circle on us and following us around with a laser dot. I told you, I am not very technical.
Despite my admonitions to 'go before we leave the hotel room', Heidi immediately needed a bathroom. We had just walked onto Main Street, USA, and the kids were overwhelmed with the dazzling Disney eye candy, so we could hardly see signs for a bathroom.
OH! The APP!!

'Mobile Magic' opened, I selected 'Guest Services' from the main menu and the first sub-option to pop up was 'restrooms'...which? Was awesome. Without moving from that spot, we located the subtly labeled and previously invisible bathroom directly behind us within about 40 seconds. Which means that Disney and Verizon are totally fine with you being too lazy to do it the old fashioned way by walking around and looking. And that? Again, awesome.

Right away, Bubbles wanted to meet Mickey. Since he is not a kid likely to be shy of giant masked friendly rodents (as his sister would have been) I was sort of excited to get him to Mickey ASAP. I went to the 'Characters' selection on the app, and just as I was telling Heidi that 'it says he should be right here in Main Street Plaza at 8:40' I looked up from my teeny tiny alluring screen to see a line forming directly in front of me. For Mickey. Right there, at Main Street Plaza.
Correct again, Mobile Magic!

Okay, with the bathroom stop and the meeting of Mickey under our mommy belts, we were ready to attack the meatier subjects at hand: Rides.
"WE WANT TO FIND NEMO!!"
Oh cool, now I was feeling useful! I whipped out the phone again, clicked on 'Attractions', looked for Finding Nemo's Submarine Voyage, and located it on the map to find how to get there from where we were.
Ready for the best part of all?
What's everyone's least favorite part of Disneyland?

.............(' -----take a moment--------')...............

Yes, we all agree.
Waiting in lines.
(That link, by the way has some great tips.)

This app updates every few minutes to tell you what the wait time is on any given ride.
There are other ways of finding out the wait times for rides; you can, alternatively walk to the kiosk in Main Street Plaza at any time and receive the updated wait times for any ride. And I encourage you to search ahead of time, which attractions you want to see and what you want to prioritize
But if you are roaming in the park nowhere near Main Street, and want to check the wait time of any ride at all in any area of the park, the app is going to save you some time.

While we were trying to find Nemo, we saw some rockets.
"WE WANT TO GO ON THE WOCKETS!!"
We were at Disneyland. Where world famous pirates and animatronic adorable small singing children abound, but our kids wanted wockets.
Whatever.
Wockets won.
And off to the wockets rockets we went.
And we were ready for more action.

We found Nemo just where the app said we would, but after our long and tiring submarine voyage, it was time for food.
Out came the phone, and since I was becoming pretty adept at using it, I bragged that I could find anything anyone wanted to eat. Which, with small children, translated into 'quick service and near- instant gratification'. Within a moment we had located a place to eat just yards away from us. My only complaint about this feature is that it showed me every kind of cuisine available from African to Thai food, but not one category was labeled 'coffee' or 'cafe'. If Disney wants me to chase my kids around in their park all day long, the coffee would help.

Something I didn't get to try out but found highly appealing was the 'set alerts' option for the 'Events' option. I tend to get distracted with my kids' involvement and may forget something in which they had earlier expressed interest. For instance, the parade. I could go to the 'Parade' label in 'Events' and set an alert on the phone so that, ten minutes before the parade (or whatever 'Event' I chose) the phone would ring and remind me.

Verizon certainly has a cutting edge product for Disney fans and park goers, and, with any brand new product, there are many suggestions for how to improve it. Droid users will be disappointed to find out that the Mobile Magic Application is not yet available to them.

Personally, I was pretty happy with the features of the app, but the Chocolate phone I was using would shut the app down every time I closed the phone and put it in my pocket. Sadly, this is just the nature of flip phones or phones which close.
I suggested a 'kid tracking application' to Verizon - useful in any situation in the prevention of lost children. If I can have all the benefits of GPS, I want a tiny receiver which I can clip on to my four year old's shirt or pants, activate with my phone, and keep track of him should he stray from my side. I am sure they will get right on that. (HELLO? Really nice guy from Verizon- are you listening?)

All in all?
I had more fun than I thought I would at Disneyland, I am now far more technically savvy than I was before using this app (and phone, for that matter) - so savvy, in fact, that you should hire me to teach you really important technical colored things . My only complaint is that Disney did not control the weather, and we spent one full day of our 2-day pass, drying our soaked shoes and socks over the heater and huddled in the motel room watching cable Disney channel.

My very last tip to you? Choose a motel with a hot tub. Because then, even if you get caught in the only freezing, pouring rainstorm of the year, you can get warm and keep children who are entertained by warmth and water happy.





This post was created voluntarily to record the events which were filmed by David Hoffman. I was not paid to write this post, nor was any other party able to edit the final publication.

Because Some Secrets Can't Wait to Be Shared....

Colossal Disney Swear Fail

Okay, I still can't really tell you why I am here, but, after a day of dogs-and-cats type freezing rain, chilled-to-the-bone and whining kids (the OLDER ONES!), absolutely zero photo opportunities, and all day hotel TV, I must at least tell the funniest part so far.

Last night, after a long and tiring hot tub swim with the kiddos, Heidi put herself and early bird kids straight to bed, while I put mine straight into an anti-chlorine bath and slipped into a glass of wine. As my kiddos were toweling off, we heard some large booms, and almost instantly - and very excitedly - realized that we could see the spectacular show from our second floor hotel balcony/walkway.
"Ooooooo, Ahhhhhh..." they exclaimed once before the door bolted open next to us and Heidi and her boys emerged....
"OH MY JESUS CHRIST SWEET BABY JESUS I thought someone was getting shot out here! SHIT! I am SO GLAD it is fireworks, but FUCK that scared me!! I was just falling asleep, and BAM! BAM! BAM! Holy fucking A."


Note to self: Create new hashtag - #colossaldisneyswearfail

It's Where the Magic Happens

This post is coming to you from the most magical place on earth.

How do I know this?

The six hour car ride, the all expense-paid trip, the fireworks from my hotel room at 9:30pm, and my son Bubbles, the one who eats a grand total of eight nine foods, ate calamari rings tonight.
(I may or may not have told him they were chicken.)

Now if that isn't magic, you tell me what is.


Tune in tomorrow for more magic with pictures.

Super-Spider-Bat-Man Hero Boy

My boy has been obsessed with superheroes lately.

He works through the good vs. evil; the right vs. wrong every day now in his play. This is sudden, and fierce, and awesome.
(And, considering the circumstances, highly appropriate!)

He is serious about this stuff.

If a costume isn't handy, then a thrift store superhero superfind will do....

(Emo-Batmanesque pose....hopefully someday soon I teach him that superheroes love to fold laundry)

MAMA! I SAVE YOU!!!

You save me?

Yes!! I SAVE YOU!! I.....WESCUE BUBBLES!!!




Everyone should have a resident superhero.

The Mamas Rockband Challenge

Okay, if you go to a rather shady shabby looking thrift store to look for some very unlikely child sized ski pants, just because it is the only thrift store near your job (which is not near your home), and you just happen to be there with your kickass friend and you both just happen to see some guys unloading their truck a brand new ROCKBAND SE set come in.............





And they offer it to you for....oh..let's say a really amazing deal....and you and your friend are truly rather trusting and immediately think 'WOW! What a great deal!'...and it is, after all...a freaking store....do not think any further or hurt your little brain doing so.

Dude.... get it.

Because, when you take that baby home and plug it all in, you could lose yourself in an oblivion of sheer devotion+insanity+dormant rocker gene just really enjoy an hour more than you thought was possible.
Seriously.

You have not lived until you have heard your 7 yr old sing the Blue Oyster Cut lyrics to 'Don't Fear the Reaper'.

'.............Romeo and Juliet, are together in eternity...'

If we could just get that damn practice mode to work so it wouldn't keep calling us FAILures.

That rocker bitch friend is totally the next target for mama's night out*. I think we will need the second guitar, or there may be some scrabbling, eh?





*(you know who you are)