5/11/04

Again comes the Spring....again comes the day.
'The Season of Grief', to which I have often referred any significant occurrence during this time.

It's been seven years.

7 years since the pediatrician denied the request for admitting him into the hospital. It was 'only bronchitis and not pneumonia'. She was right. But bronchitis can kill a child who has detrimentally developmental issues, and/or hypotonia....and it did. His weakened little body could not possibly come up with the resources required to clear one's own lungs.
And bronchitis did kill.
Kill.
My son.

After he died, someone told me not to make any Big Decisions within a year....and I didn't.
After he died, someone told me that it would take 3 yrs and 3 days to 'recover' from my grief.
After he died, someone told me that I needed to 'just let go'....
After he died, my life took on
a
new)}+
shape.

This is my history.
This is my life.


This is Ours to share or not.


I don't mean to get all.....
morose
or
overly poignant....

But this day was the day I said

'GoodbyeI'msosorryIletyoudownbylettingyoudie......'

And I am still sorry.
Because if a parent cannot keep their child alive, then what worth do they have??


But I am here.
And I am parent,mother,doctor,paper.

I am everything to them, I am nothing.

I have ashes in my cupboard.

I will survive this, because I choose now...

to LIVE it.



I will not passively let this day pass me by.

I will live it.

I will live every moment of it.

Acupuncture Saved Me Again

It isn't like it hadn't been recommended before.
It had...come up...it had...been suggested.

You know, you are carrying an overwhelming burden. Self-care is important. You are doing a great job caring for the children. You need to take some measures to reduce this amount of stress for yourself while protecting them from it all.... It's too much. What has happened could put anyone on the edge, let alone someone with the cumulative amount of shit you have had to wade through recently. This hits it out of the ballpark. Do something. Here are some numbers.

Yes!! Thank you for the great suggestions. I will just reach into my overdrawn bank account and pay a practitioner to help me.

But then the fabulous suggestion turned into a strong recommendation. One might even call it an insistence. Which manifested as a high-five and a heartfelt agreement.

Fine, I agreed. I took the numbers and called.
And I couldn't believe it when I called....was this for real????
Acupuncture on a sliding scale for $25 low end????

It's been rough here.
We're up; we're down.
Up was feeling so good.
Then: Unimaginable Pitfall
Lately...downish.
Too much.
Piled on.
Too much to digest.
Too much.

So I realized I had no more excuses. I had to go and try it out.
I hadn't been to acupuncture in more than a year, and this was a new practitioner.

It was a slightly different treatment than I remembered with the previous LAC, whom I saw for nearly 10 years - this guy tapped the needles in a bit more...err...firmly? I felt it, but it wasn't exactly a definable pain... and then he gave them a distinct twist, which felt like an electrical charge, which made me jump only twice. Or cringe. Or twitch. Any one of those is acceptable.
I was skeptical.
Then I was left to relax with those needles. I was glad for the blanket I had first politely refused - the needles can make you cold! Warm enough, I started to actually relax.
I breathed.
I thought.
I tried not to think so I could relax.
I remembered how badly I suck at meditation.
I tried breathing and tried to not remember how badly I suck anymore.
I think it must have worked to relax me.
Then I cried.
I don't like this bit.
But it wasn't overwhelming snot-wracked sobs or anything.
Just some quiet streaming tears.
I didn't like it a bit.
But yeah, I cried.

And you know what?
IT FELT GREAT.


I am going back.

Verizon Disney Mobile Magic part 2: Video Style

Remember how I told you about this?
My little trip to Disneyland?
(btw, no I did NOT call myself a 'top mommy blogger' Alltop already did that...shhh!!!)

Discovery Kingdom: The Big Fun

After the wedding last month, we took our children to Discovery Kingdom, because I had heard they had a Thomas Town, and it seemed a perfect birthday excursion for our about-to-turn three year old. We convinced Cindy and Sophie Fig to come along with us since we had crashed their pad after the wedding, and they cordially agreed. The off-season admission price of $29.99 (which is now only $24.99 when purchased online) sold us all on the excursion.

I looked at their website and I think I got more excited than the kids, because I am a roller coaster fanatic, and I liked what I saw. My indoctrination to the roller coaster world started young.

My mother is a roller coaster fanatic, and when I was little, my mom was sick of sitting out the roller coasters at our nearby annual summer haunt, while her older children rode them. I was the fourth in a quick succession of siblings, and she had had enough of us cramping her style.
"Stand up straight!" She would nudge me in line, checking to make sure I had worn my clogs, affording me that extra inch of false height.
Once on the ride, I would shudder with the thrill of having made it through the height check, wrapping my mom's arm tightly over my shoulder and locking her hand under my arms, and grab on to the bar with all my strength. We'd barrel through the tunnel, creep up the hill, clickety, clickety, clickety, click...My bottom flew out of my seat over the first three hills, my mother would howl with laughter and push my shoulders back firmly into the seat each time, and then we rounded the sidewinding bend, smacking into each other and screaming in unison, giggling over the next few stomach-lurching bunny hops; flying together on the Blue Streak, and screeching into the platform, still howling with laughter.
And then running to get back in line to do it again.

::blink blink::
::end 35 yr old tape playing in head::

So the idea of riding this:





was very very appealing to me.


And this thing gets me hot (NOT the guy - the ride!):



So, yeah - they had a Thomas Town and that is why we were going. Right.


Actually, to maintain this facade for as long as possible, our first stop was Thomas Town.
Bubbles was happier than a boy with a train when he saw Thomas pull into the station. He was trembling with excitement...

And the train ride itself brought out all of Bubbles' secret words as he shouted them out:
"JAMES! PERCY!! GORDON!!!"
And then there was the rest of Thomas town: Harold the Helicopter, and Bertie the Bus.
And that was just enough until we headed off to the rest of the park.

Which, frankly, after a desperate lunch of fried food, turned out to be a bit disastrous.
There was a parade of people - a huge crowd suddenly appeared - and suddenly:

ZOMBIES!!

Zombies with blood, zombies with hatchets in their heads, zombies with chain saws...and if that wasn't enough....zombies dragging a glass stagecoach which carried a captive human, non-zombie woman, beating on the glass in futility. As a former Halloween devotee, it was kind of cool...but, as a mama, it was...a bit much.

It was far too scary for the kiddies for sure.
Apparently, it was the season for the popular 'Fright Fest', the publicity for which had somehow escaped our radar.
After a hasty exit from the park and a short email of complaint a few days later, which suggested that non-publicized bloody zombies and small children in strollers did not mix, I received a phone call from customer service rep Dave (Superman) Miller.
I was shocked to receive a phone call in response to my email, and Dave was definitely the nicest guy to call me that day.
"It's a fine line," he said, "between the fright fest and the family environment."
"Well, zombies are fun if you are fifteen. Or even twelve, I suppose. But not so much with the stroller set. Way too scary."
"I am so very sorry that the zombies scared your children. That is unacceptable."
"Well Dave, I completely understand the need for zombies at the fright fest, but the thing is, the zombies need to be better trained to avoid children. I realize that organizing a zombie training can be difficult, having to schedule it in the middle of the night and all, but it's something you should think about."
Dave started laughing.
"I absolutely hear you, and I will take all that into account. I want to invite you to come back to the park though - on us - and give us another chance."

This was the best customer service I have witnessed in years - and in a recession! - these people actually may survive it. With their level of customer attention, they deserve to survive it. They are very kind.

I thanked Dave and said that we would love to go back, and he gave me a secret code which would allow our family back into the park anytime between then and Christmas. He suggested the Holiday in the Park festival, saying it was very family friendly, and hoped that our experience would be improved.
When I realized that the Figs had also been part of the debacle and, although they were not terrified by the zombies, did have to leave abruptly, I called Dave back and asked if he would add two more tickets to that secret code. He emailed and called me back right away, saying that two more passes had been added to our voucher.
Yes, seriously.
I told you. Nice.

We weren't able to coordinate a Holiday in the Park evening (the park is only open 4-10 pm this month for this event), but did manage to agree on a Sunday to dedicate to 'Do-over Day' at Discovery Kingdom.
Which was last Sunday, when we met the Fig and Figlet at the entrance like clockwork, checked in smooth like butter, and high-fived upon entering. We were ready for the do-over.

When we took the exit off of the freeway and the roller coaster giants were visible from the road, Bubbles screamed out, "I see it! I see The Fun! I see The Big Fun!" and then started on an endless stream of, "I ride Thomas. Go ride Thomas. Go ride Harold. Go ride Thomas now. I go ride Thomas/Harold NOW NOW AGAIN!" (repeat x8)


We picked up the flashpass, based upon the lines from the previous visit, took Bubbles straight back to Thomas Town because he just would not shut up about it until we did because he really was the most desperate one of all of us. and it was no less thrilling than the first time. Dare I say it was even more exciting?



After that, we dropped all pretenses of 'parks are for kiddies!' ran straight for Tony Hawk's Big Spin - the one coaster which Supergirl is tall enough to ride - where we were greeted with NO LINE. Okay, maybe a 5 minute line. We decided to hang on to the flash passes until later in the day if we might need them.
Tony Hawk's does not disappoint. I can ride any roller coaster but not so much on the spinny things. Like those red hooded classic Tilt-a-Whirls? Those things make me sick. Ferris wheels? They make me wicked scared. But certain other spinny things are okay. Watching the spinny roller coaster, I decided it would be okay. It is awesome fun - when the four-person car shoots around those top curves, the car spins and it looks like you are going to fly off the track - like I said, awesome fun.
Spinning while flying wildly on a roller coaster track is something every roller coaster aficionado should try.
We took turns riding Roar, which is a classic wooden roller coaster with a long ride and a lot of clickety-clacketing, which I personally found to be a little to bone-jarring, but dh loved it.

For some reason, I was coerced by Cindy to go on this insane ride, and when we got on, Sophie wanted to ride in the very front seats, and guess who got to ride with her, with Mom screaming from the row behind? I am still not sure how that one happened, miss slick.

We visited the walruses, which we discovered, after commenting on their extreme sociability, included the famous Jocko, a movie star walrus. Jocko is a big show-off, who comes right up to the glass and thrills your children with flips and flipper-clapping - he loves children, and our children found a mutual attraction.



We all love the penguins who are also goofy and think that your hand is a fish:

We had somehow missed the shark tunnel the first time around, but never again:

There is also Stingray Bay; a tank where you can touch the rays (free), and a Dolphin tank where you can watch the dolphins play and be fed, or pay $10 to feed and touch them (we opted out this time, but I think the cost sure beats the $250 Waikoloa dolphin experience -with imported dolphins).

We found ourselves back at Thomas Town and Looney Tunes Seaport, where there are also many rides for children of all sizes - the girls would go ride the slightly more thrilling rides over there like balloons, mini-roller coaster, or swings, while Bubbles rode the more sedate trains, planes, and helicopters. Cindy went to grab a bite, and came back with the most delicious looking crepe I would never expect to see in a large park. It was consumed before it was photographed.
While Cindy worked on an equally delicious looking spinach salad, Supergirl asked for her own spinach salad. I think that Cindy discovered the yummiest secret in all of the park's food offerings (if you are looking for some options beyond fried or chain food), because at the California Crepes booth (next to Ben & Jerry's by the Looney Tunes Seaport), there is a European woman making all this food fresh, including her mini-donuts which I bought on a whim (6 for $2.99) and were instantly devoured. The spinach salad ($5.99) and the crepes (~$8.50) were jewels among concession stands, and we definitely will be visiting that stand next time.

We headed over to the animal side of the park since we had missed that the last time, and I was impressed beyond my expectations.
The kids loved Odin, the non-vicious, bottle-fed white Bengal tiger:


And the super-hammy photogenic baby giraffes:


And then we split up so that dh could take the littles to the killer whale show, and Cindy, Sophie and I could crunch in some eleventh hour serial roller coaster riding.
First, we hit Boomerang, a looping coaster that goes backwards. It was a bit jerky for me, and the backwards part gave both Cindy and me a slight headache.
We were hoping to ride Kong, a suspension coaster we missed the last time, but it was closed for painting, even though I told a nearby attendant that the aesthetic of Kong was not what I was going to be prioritizing. (waaaaaaaaahhhhhhh)
However, we did ride Medusa a few times in a row (a three minute, 15 second ride!) before we lost Cindy to a lovely shade of pale green. I heart Medusa so much; it is a five-across, floorless coaster with no fewer than seven inversions, gliding like silk along its lime and lilac glowing tracks.

When we re-grouped for our final ride spree, Supergirl raved about Shouka, and Bubbles cheered throughout the whole show, duly impressed as he should be, with a four thousand pound mammal jumping thirty feet out of the water.

We wearily ran staggered back to the other end of the horseshoe shaped park to catch a few more rides on Tony Hawk's Big Spin and Roar. Cindy and her stomach had completely had it by this time, so we totally took advantage of her parenting skills and dumped Bubbles off on her while we took Sophie on endless circuits of Tony Hawk. The lines were still minimal (note to self: November is a great time to go here!) but we whipped out the last of our fast passes, and got three rides instead of one in our last fifteen minutes.

I was so enthralled with this place - the cleanliness, the best of marine and wildlife, the best rides, the funny an animated childrens ride attendants, and the attentive customer service, that I was ready to pay up the extra $24.99 (before leaving the park) to buy season passes for the entire family, but (sniff sniff) I had traveled light that day, and brought only my ID and a pocket full of enough cash for the day.

Dh teased me - we live near the Boardwalk, where I have bought passes for Supergirl for the past few years to the tune of $70/year. Never again. She only can ride the kiddie-rides, and they charge as much for a child as for an adult who can ride the thrill rides. Also, it is filthy and they charge even more for parking ($20) than Discovery Kingdom ($15).

Also, comparing the experience we had at Legoland this summer, I don't think I can stress enough the canyon of difference between positive customer service, and useless and potentially dangerous customer upper management (Safety Manager, tm).

I will definitely bring the family and friends again - though I will always regret not bringing the cc with me to upgrade to the season passes that day.

In the meantime, I will dream of this, this, this, and this, and the day my children are tall enough to join me on these rides. While I am waiting, any nanny takers? I will pay for your admission - we will take turns on the big thrills.

Wordless Wednesday

I have never before participated in this blogphad, the WW, but I am not an excluder. Enjoy.

Caption this?

FUNDAMENTALLY, I have to mention something....

There's a new buzzword for the McCain campaign.

First we heard from GW that the fundamentals of our economy were strong.

Now, in an interview with the editorial board of the Des Moines Register, McCain repeatedly
(and very angrily) expresses how he 'fundamentally disagrees' with the implication that SP is inexperienced and he fundamentally disagrees that the American people don't like her. (I guess he also fundamentally disagrees with actual polls).

***weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!***

Did you hear the dogwhistle? Everytime I hear that word *fundamental* on the news, I imagine someone at the McCampaign claps their hands together and claims to have reclaimed another wayward liberal Christian, diverted on their path by visions of change, inclusion, faith, and love.

They are flailing, they need something...I get that, I really do.

But it just seems like another one of the talking points cheap trick distraction methods (LOOK, A PUPPY!) that the uber-conservatives have used to hijacked Christianity. This isn't news to people like my mother, and many good friends who have watched in jaw-dropping horror as 'their religion' has been abducted and absorbed into the conservative vision, re-invented and spewed back out in the form of Fundamentalism, Evangelism, and supremacy.
A political party religion which preaches intolerance, judgment, exclusion, racism, ignorance, hatred, fear.
While I know this is more prevalent in other parts of the country than this (thankfully) liberal bubble surrounding us (called: our region), even local friends who happen to also practice Christianity are feeling this separation of church and church. I wonder if that has anything to do with the frequent infusions of politics into faith. Hmmmm.....

Oh, and let us not forget how they have also managed to own 'life'! That is impressive.

If only a 'culture of life' could be further embraced by the American people.

Seriously. WTF IS THAT?


Tick, tick, tick....can you hear it?

I may be looking forward to the debate this evening just a teensy bit too much.

And now, I am new and improved...with twice the amount of spite!

Smug Update

Remember this diabolical scheme, the one which one commenter called an 'immature prank'?

As of Friday, Planned Parenthood had taken in $802,678 in donations from 31,313 people, said a spokesman for the organization, Tait Sye. More than two-thirds of the individuals are first-time donors to Planned Parenthood, Mr. Sye said, and money came in from all 50 states.

Well....thank you, to all who have participated or are going to. And thank you, Melanie, who brought this to my immediate attention.

Want to feel better for just FIVE DOLLARS?

I have been more quiet than usual; I think I was also affected by a case of Palinitis, and I am hoping it is not chronic.

This little light of mine, Sara Benincasa, has kept me from drowning myself in our overflowing septic tank and calling it a day.

Many people are discovering the joy that is a seven minute dose of Sara B via the Sarah Palin Vlog, and Cindy is no exception.

But because she did not have a birthday which forced her to drink sangria all weekend is quick to act and even faster to think, jumped on the "How DO we combat Palinitis?" bandwagon and suggests a clever and diabolical plan:

Donate money to Planned Parenthood ($5 minimum) in Sarah Palin's name.
She will get a card for every donation made in her name.

You will need to provide a mailing address so they can send her a thank you card:
Cindy suggests using the 'McCain campaign headquarters' (you know, when I typed that phrase just now, Voldemort just reached out of his slime and smacked me with mucous) which is:

McCain for President
Attn: Sarah Palin
1235 S. Clark Street
1st Floor
Arlington, VA 22202

You can also find the addresses for governor of Alaska here.

SaraB thinks it's a great idea too!

So does HuffPo!


You in?

Come on...isn't it worth FIVE DOLLARS to feel smug?

UPDATE: 9/23- I just spoke with Beth at Planned Parenthood Development office, and she said that for any amount $5 or over which is placed 'in honor of', the 'honoree' will receive a card.
Go on and 'honor' her.

Everybody Jump on the Bento Bandwagon

Ummm...okay I guess I'm okay....you know....staying busy.....


Most of you want to know where to buy the cute little Bento supplies. A year ago, you were screwed unless you lived in the Bay Area, Seattle, or Japan. But now, thanks to my favorite store's new online shop, you too can order egg molds, pig shaped sauce cups, and quippy little lunch boxes. Try Ichiban Kan. You will not regret it. Suzy in San Mateo should probably kick down some Pocky to me for that plug, but know that I share this information with you from the goodness of my heart, not out of blogging for Pocky.
The goodness of my heart, and the greenness of my heart as well. Bento eliminates the need for disposable plastic bags, etc. That alone is enough reason to go with Bento lunches.


As Geener pointed out in the comments section, no wonder Supergirl rejects the red lunches. We do, after all, live in a Blue State. But there are not enough naturally occurring blue foods, so work with me here.

Seaweed rice cake, 1/2 sour pickle, granola bar, pocky, baby star noodle snack, dried snappeas, cottage cheese, salami and crackers.

TJ's cheesey puffs, caramel cookie, pear, PB&J, Judy's breadstick and brie cheese rounds, raspberries.

Shown with Supergirl's awesome new lunch basket from here. You know you want one....for $16? such a deal!

This is my Early Intervention Speech

Hello, Choir.
I will be your preacher today.


Let's do a quick vocabulary review, shall we?
Early: 1.in or during the first part of a period of time, a course of action, a series of events, etc.: early in the year.
Intervention: 1.the act or fact of intervening.

Oh, that didn't do it for you? Still not clear?
Let's try this:
Extra Early Childhood Education With Experts For Free (or nearly).

Does that make more sense?

Because if I hear one more parent of a two year old tell me that they are going to 'wait and see', or even worse, that their doctor told them not to worry, and let's take another look in a few months....well, I am going to stick ice picks in my ears to ease the pain.
A few months.
The difference of a few months may be the difference in your child's ability to learn for the rest of their life. The difference of a few months could mean the distinguishable difference in your intelligence as a parent.

Here's something you should know.
You can self-refer your child for an assessment at your local Regional Center. You don't have to wait for Dr. MeansWellButIsMisinformed to agree with your concerns or your gut.
You don't need a prescription or a referral. You just need to call.

Here's something else you should know.
Early Intervention ends at age three, at which time your precious flower will be thrown to the wolves attended to by an emotionally bereft and financially strapped school district. The funding for Special Help ends at age three. My son will likely go from six hours a week of speech therapy to 1/2 hour (or one hour, if I have to pull out my sabre-teeth, I will).
So don't miss the Early in Early Intervention. You may be sorry you did, but you will still be screwed.

I am an advocate for EI, this is true. Which is why it makes me absolutely batty to hear parents who I love, parents who are watching our path with Bubbles, dismiss EI as an option for their child. No, not every child needs EI. But some do. And when a friend, a mother, asks me how many words her child 'should' have at age two, and the answer is clearly a number much higher than what she has recorded, and then her response is to muse out loud, "Well, I guess we'll wait a bit and see..."
IT REALLY FREAKS ME OUT and puts me to the test. Can I resist the podium? Can I stop myself from sounding like a bandwagon driver if she merely thinks I am trying to get her to jump on mine?
So far, I am silent. But it is a test. (Silence itself, is a test for me.)
I will answer her questions, but I will not sound the alarm. I will not be the one she remembers as She Who First Suggested Imperfection.

But, by giving her this space, this respect for her own realizations and her own timetable, I contend with my own guilt. This guilt over the betrayal of a child somehow, with the knowledge and firm belief that It Would Help.

I understand her hesitancy to ask for help, her reticence to need help.
Fear is nothing to be ashamed of, and it is legitimate. But the fear lies in the discovery of something else; not so much in the help.

Who among us as parents, are able to push beyond the fear, through the fear, to a place of just being? To a place of allowing our children to be who they are, and then walking that fine line between maintaining the acceptance of our childrens' capabilities, and wanting to show them that the possibilities for their potential may be limitless.


Teach your children well.

Jump on the Bandwagon: Blog the Recession

I'm not a big fan of bandwagons. They are noisy, crowded, and often going in a direction I did not choose. I rarely jump on them. But Kristen is more glamorous than all of Charlie's Angels put together, and claims she is a fabulous driver, so in the name of trying new things, I'm coming (slow the hell down, Kristen! We don't all have the legs of a gazelle!)!

Also, when I thought more about her idea, I realized how timely it was and how it could actually help to make one of my troubled readers feel satisfied; maybe even self-important.

[Let's take a moment here to remind everyone that if your comment is signed 'anonymous' it will likely be received with more defensiveness than you may have intended. Such is the nature of going undercover with poorly hidden poking sticks. Any identity is better than none at all.]

Someone asked if my recent post about sharing the list of parent bloggers who write about losing their children was a way to make more money. You know...because I have ads on my site. Not new ads, but my new idea to 'share' was being questioned as a way to get more clicks; make more ad revenue. For those of you who are riding in my lifeboat, you know this is the difference between pennnies and....more pennies!
Same commenter claims that no, that is not what they meant, but offers no further elaboration beyond accusation on the premise for the question (am I being asked a question, or am I being questioned?)...but you read for yourself and see how you can interpret that one.
Do ads on my site automatically mean that I am profiting from writing about my son's death? Probably not as much as the book will.
(take that, anon! suckit!)
Kristen is a straight shooter and also rather fearless. Instead of hiding behind this veil of being properly meek and quiet about the elephant in the room, she took some pictures of the elephant to share with us!
Guess what? It looks exactly like the elephant in my room!
I could not believe the resemblance.
Naturally, I had to reconsider my anti-bandwagon status. I even had to reconsider my hurt feelings about the blatant 'capitalizing on your child's death' implication.
Everyone I know is having some difficult struggle right now. Finances, health, stability...all rocked by earthquakes, floods and fires.
Kristen's suggestion bandwagon has a pretty simple direction:
Blog the recession. How? Click-through your feed readers for August.
Show some love to your regular reads, and click through.
You can express your love with pennies! How cool is that?

If you want to jump on, visit Kristen and get your own button!