Monday, June 30, 2008

Legoland Pirate Shores of Doom

Before I can tell you how much fun we had at Legoland, I need to get unburden myself of my personal blog-clog. I have plenty to say about our memorable tourist activities and just how fabulous, in general, San Diego is. But because I tend to be obsessive I tend to compartmentalize when processing, I have to surf this scary motherfucking wave all the way in before I can tell you about the happy waves we caught before this one. Legoland is geared towards families with younger children. This said, there are plenty of rides that are fun for adults and older children, but the majority of attractions are designed for children under 14 (I am being generous here). This also said: I do not have a problem with teenagers, so don't get all 'your ignorance is blissfully entertaining to me, oh mother of smallish children' on me. I do have a problem with children of any age who have not been taught to:

  1. listen to adults
  2. respect others
  3. physically control themselves

Legoland has a small area of the park which is a waterpark. Emphasis on small. I am not sure how new this feature is, but it seems they have not quite gotten the rules straight. They do seem to be strict about keeping the wet and dry parks separate, evident by our witnessing ejection of a ten-ish year old girl from the line for a boat cruise for wearing just a bathing suit.

The information offered on their website regarding small children is unceremoniously simple: Please note that swim diapers are required for all children under 4 years of age.
Because of some height-restrictions on the rides, we split up for a while so Supergirl could ride some thrill rides without sending her thrill-seeking brother into cataclysmic exclusion tantrums. I took him over to the Pirate Shores (of DOOM) and switched out his regular diaper for a swim diaper. I put his shorts back on over his swim diaper, because like most mothers whose brains were working that morning, I of course put many changes of clothes for the children into the backpack.
I wound through the entrance crowded with strollers and put the excited and wiggly boy down. He made a beeline for the water, but we were stopped by a teen attendant who asked me to take off Bubble's shorts to show that he had a diaper on underneath. I wrangled the shorts back off of him, then put him back down to explore the fountains and slides, but was stopped by another teen attendant who demanded that I put his short on over his swim diaper.
Okay, fine. Yes I rolled my eyes at her, which may have set the precedence for reciprocation, but I mentioned the website's sparse rules which had mentioned nothing about the need for more layers. She snapped back at me, "I didn't write the website! What do you think?" She gained momentum with the interest of some nearby guests, "I made that all up myself? I'm not responsible for the website!"
I didn't really care to argue this with her, so turned my attention to whatever it was that made Bubbles want to be there. This was, apparently, a small red waterslide. To reach this waterslide, one must first navigate through waterspouts up the steps of the play structure. Which is exactly what Bubbles was trying to do when he was kneed by some very large kid right off the steps and onto the ground.
Bubbles is not a wimp; he picked himself up faster than I could reach him and scrambled back up the steps. Meanwhile Power-Hungry Teen Girl in Important Looking Red Shirt was still enjoying her audience and much eye-rolling ensued. She seemed to have really liked me and was trying to get on my good side, evident by her attention to detailing my every move.
I started to walk closer to the slide - I didn't like the looks of the large pack of wild, running children headed back around their circuit, with my son directly in their path. I watched as they knocked over 2 small children and then headed for mine.
"HEY! Maybe you should do something about this?" I shouted at PHTGILRS as I pointed up at the pack and ran for my son.
She then grabbed my wrist and yelled in my face to take off my shoes. And something about parents not being allowed up there on the slide.
Again, WHAT THE?
I yelled back that I was not going to take off my damn tevas and she should let go of me right now. I literally shook her off when I saw Bubbles get knocked over face-down into a puddle of water, nearly trampled by the kids who knocked him over (again, no reprimand for the kids), and as I ran to lift him out of the puddle, the dumps-every-ten-minutes THREE HUNDRED GALLON bucket of water dumped on us, pinning him down further. At least I was over him at this point. When I got up I was soaked and stunned. Bubbles was screaming. I walked away in a daze as PHTGILRS had an indiscreet giggle. I considered walking over to her just to kick her in the shins, but changed my mind since I really just wanted to get my baby out of that danger soup.
We remained in the park for just another hour after that, dashing from ride to ride to squeeze it all in. I am glad we didn't leave right after that - It surely would have ruined our experience to have left on that note.
Did I write letters? You bet I did. I actually talked to the safety supervisor at length this morning. She assured me that 'the appropriate steps had been taken' with the employee. I can only hope that this means her PHTGILRS wearing ass has err...walked the proverbial plank.
More to come on the legoland fun, but consider this your PSA of the day: Keep your small and defenseless children away from Legoland's new and ill-planned water park area. The rest of the park is far more fun, and I would place bets as to how long until they close this new 'attraction'.


Denise said...

Christ on a bike! I would so have taken that bitch out.

Tricia said...

Good for you for not hitting her!

The force is strong in the mother...

furiousBall said...

that's why i always carry a poison dart gun with me at theme parks

midlife mommy said...

I think Denise said it best.

Tracey said...

Oooohhhhh!!!! I think you would have been forgiven by all mothers had you kicked her, but definitely charged with assault by the teen's mom, which, you know... might ruin a vacation and all.

Glad that the rest of the day went well! My kids love Legos. Wish they had a Legoland in the Midwest.

Ash said...

I would have slapped the little bitch.

Cindy said...

She GRABBED YOUR WRIST?? Let's hope they can her ass.

Lunasea said...

Grrrrr!!! May thousands of small biting beasts (maybe 9-month-olds)lay upon her before the thousand gallon bucket of water hits her ass.

H said...

Ugh, wrist grabbing is the ultimate in wanna-be teenage authority. File a complaint.

I thought you might enjoy this site I had no idea babies had to worry about modesty.

Laura said...

I am the mother of three (two teens and one former-teen), and stepmother to five (four teens and one former teen).

(Yes, God help me.)

And if one of them EVER behaved that way, all their parents (there are six of us in total now, four for each set of kids with two overlaps - you following?) would tan their asses.

Which is why none of them (even the one going through the really stereotypically-awful teen bit right now) would EVER behave that way.

CHeryl said...

Wow. We go to Legoland once in a while and I do keep little man away from the water park because the kids are WAY too hyper in there and no supervision. I cannot believe that girl. Wow. Hey - did you guys go on that thing you sit in that twists and turns your body until you get whiplash and puke?

mamadaisy said...

teenager of DOOM!!!

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