Apraxia in Action

Mama: Bubbles, how can you swim so well? Wow! You just figured it all out! Look at you go!

Bubbles: My brain! It is like the magic!!





Bubbles, showing me a book from the library: Mama, do you know this is your brain? Your brain is in your head, see mine? When you get pinched, it makes your brain go 'DING!' and then you say 'OW!' It goes, 'DING!' like an alligator.

Mama: Like an alligator?

Bubbles: Yes! Alligators going up and down, ding ding ding!

Ummm...Okay, so I lied.

We had been talking about it for a while...if the right (free, siamese) kitteh came along...

And lo! There were sisters!

Don't panic, we're not keeping both of them...and yes!

We have access to vet care!

My niece is visiting and it's all her fault I came home with a kitteh we decided to partner up in this crime of early birthday present for Supergirl....with the added bonus of supercousins having sister kitties....

We have a few days to decide which is the best match, but I am placing bets on the one we call 'Sassy'. Any guesses why?

You could never have said no to that face either.

Sighting of A Boy

The family walks past the long window and through the door of the taqueria. The mother leads the way. She is undeniably who I first think she may be; her wild kinky black hair and beautifully pumpkin shaped body have not been altered by the seven years which have passed, and she is easy to recognize.
She is followed by her short, shuffling and grumpy husband, and I lean forward to catch a glimpse of the one I want to see so dearly and at the same time am afraid....and in another short, interrupted breath - he bounces in, buoyant in spite of his father's shadow.
He is tall, considering the stature of his parents.
His hair is like hers, and his smile is hers.
He talks animatedly about black beans or pinto; turns his excitement towards the soda fountain. He is seven.

The mother notices me staring and looks at me suspiciously for a moment before a flicker of recognition.
I wait for her to go first.
"You look familiar...do I know you? I know I know you from something....swim classes? The library? Music class?"
I let her trail off before I decide to answer.
"The NICU. We met in the NICU. Our babies were in together."

She looks at my children, sizing them up...wondering...

So I say, "No. This is my daughter. She was not even two at the time. This is my son, and he is four. It was Elijah who was in the NICU."

"Oh yes, now I remember. How is he doing?"
I shake my head, realizing I got myself into this by staring at her son.
I don't think she wants to hear.

The silence with which she waits indicates she is expecting the rest of the story.

"Well, he died when he was thirteen months old."

We go through the usual dialogue.
"Oh wow. Oh. I am so sorry."
"I know. It's okay. It was terrible. We really miss him. But now it's our family history."
"Oh wow. I am so sorry. I don't know how you....I could never....I don't know what to say...."
"So, your son looks great. Congratulations, he's wonderful."
"Oh wow....the NICU....wow. Oh the NICU...I hadn't thought about it in so long."
"Sorry."

I gather up the scraps of my kids' quesadillas, and herd them out the door. When I turn to wave goodbye, her elbows are propped on the table, her head is in her hands and she is staring glassily into the orange booth in front of her.

"I'm sorry." I toss out, by way of 'goodbye'.




I really was.

I have a PO BOX!!

If you would like to snail mail something to us (so many have asked about Supergirl's 7/20 birthday), you may send things to THIS ADDRESS.

You can also find my mailing address in my profile page.

Thank you thank you thank you....

I Now Believe in GOOD....It's all around us in the form of people....

I got a phone call from someone I would call 'a good acquaintance'.
A compadre blogger who let me know she was nearby...local....had read me, even, and had offered to help before. We met in person at the small mountain/valley farmers market a while back...we certainly knew each other by sight.

She is an angel in disguise.

The phone call, followed up by email, was about donating food. To my family.
She was going away for three weeks and 'wanted to empty the fridge' and hand it over to me....if I would accept, that is...
So I learned how to say 'yes' to these sorts of gifts. I said I would love it.
Inside, I was conflicted. Shreds of shame.
But I said yes please. And thank you for thinking of me.

Today, my friend came to my house. Yes, friend. I hope to get to know her better - as we ended up spending an easy couple hours connecting and talking about the unbloggable.
I love her. I love her boys, who are lovely, polite, and incredibly amiable.
She brought with her the proposed 'empty fridge contents' and I didn't look into the bags right away after she assured me we had unloaded the perishables.

Later today, I was unloading all of the groceries she left me, and I have this to say:
MapleSyrup is a full on liar.
A liar with a huge-mongous heart and secret squirrel superpowers.

Beyond the obvious gifts she gave us of:
3 pounds of butter (stress baking!!)
loaf of bread
french feta cheese
organic baby carrots
corn
lettuce.....

....I later opened the bags to find:
organic pasta
organic pasta sauce
organic peanut butter
fruit rollups
artichoke hearts
paper towels
organic chicken broth
ketchup
jam....and more.



None of these things need refrigeration which is why I can call her a liar.
But I still would french kiss her.

Thanks honey....have a great trip!

Ten Bullet Points

1. Angel Food Ministries: check. There's one 30 miles from here - I am so all over that for July.
2. Kitteh. No, we are not getting a kitten. Although I am very good friends with a veterinarian and would have access to fabulous care, now is not the time.
3. No, build-a-bear clothes are not a necessity. Far from it, in fact. But those behind the 'dress the bear' movement, made my daughter's life brighter yesterday.
4. Yoga for a clinically depressed child with PTSD and behavior issues IS actually a necessity and she starts Tuesday. $6.50 per class.
   
5. My power will not be shut off.
6. I am on the phone with KitchenAid. UPDATE: If you are not calling within the ONE YEAR warranty (hahahahaha) then you are on your own. Who knew 30 pound kitchen appliances were disposable?
   
7. Thank you to those of you who sent WORK my way. Any reviews or writing opportunities are welcome and I work for product and/or actual payment.
   
8. I do this in addition to working 8-6.
9. Yes, block o government cheese IS poor people food, and I am poor right now.
10. I know I am a great mom. Thank you.
    

Thank You, Internet

Yesterday I had six dollars and eleven cents to my name.
I also had two shut-off notices.
I wrote a whiny post about not being able to afford anything anymore - gas, food, and least of all, my daughter's $20 stuff a bear field trip with her Brownie troop....and worrying that when her birthday arrives in three weeks, I will have nothing special for her.

I was defeated, deflated, and sick of my own whining.

I didn't know how I would get to work (gas money), pay the rent, or feed my family next month. I had hoped he would have repaid me by now, or at least have tried. I was deep in the hole and only sinking deeper, in spite of attempts to avoid this quicksand.

I am only one person.
I am full time mother, I am part time father, I am events coordinator, breadwinner and the decider. I am exhausted just trying to tread water. I have been in this cold ocean for over a year. A year ago, I thought it would be better now.
My life is my own, and so that is better.
But my life must be carefully guarded against his (expected) attempts to regain control over me - for once I stepped over that line of friendship to relationship, in his mind, I became his property.

It took one generous, kind and brilliant person, and then another, and about 200 friends, acquaintances, and strangers to remind me that my life is mine. And it is precious.

And we are going to make it.


Supergirl thanks you for Marley's dress and leash.
I thank you for gas money and the smile on her face.
And for doing more for my children than their own father has.
And for the kleenex I purchased after reading all your beautiful comments.

And for restoring my faith in humanity.

You are an amazing community. A year ago I was told to take this blog down.
I am so glad I didn't listen to anyone but my heart.


Thank you.

My Life has reached A New Low

Yesterday I went to the food bank.

I knew last week when I took her to get her ears pierced that I was using precious budget money....but I remembered I had an 'emergency food bag' voucher and I figured now was as good a time as any to suck it up and use it.
It was a crap day anyway, so I am not sure if all the tears after this errand were from stooping so low and feeling the pain and shame of this, or if they were more likely inspired by the accumulating feeling of frustration and dejection which has colored my summer.
Or maybe it was the way the guy who handed me the heavy bag of food said, "This is the last week for this program - the county has cut it - can I help you to your car with that?"

Or maybe it was because, when I got home, I realized that the black and white box of food storage bags the guy had also handed me was not, in fact, storage bags, but a box of government cheese food product.

Yeah, really.

Behold! Poor people food!

Tomorrow I have to decide to send my daughter on a field trip with her brownie troop without the requested $20 so she can dress her newly built bear and risk the wrath of her being the only one coming home with a naked bear.

I also have to figure out how to drive 80 miles roundtrip to work and then drive another 40 roundtrip to get them to visit their daddy: on 1/4 tank of gas.

I will be saying some prayers that the squealing belts on the car won't blow just yet...because I cannot afford to fix the car...again.

Meanwhile, my kitchenaid (professional, my ass) mixer died a horrible death and my traditional stress baking coping skills are severely compromised.

I am trying not to think too much about her upcoming birthday.

The (rescue foundation!) kitten she wants....$150 we don't have.

The requested night away at the beach....not going to happen.

Or how to afford the absolutely reasonably priced yoga classes recommended by her therapist.

Or the flash on my camera which is STILL broken (while he remains in possession of my favorite elph - MINE!!).

Or the burning smell my laptop emits when I turn it on and there is no fan sound...and the fact that I cannot afford the back up hard drive to save my files right now.

Or the fact that if he was paying any of the restitution order or any of the thousands of dollars he owes me, this would not be happening.

Or the fact that Xdude is actively trying to starve me out by not paying the ordered support and waiting for me to have to move....thus proving his point. Which is....well I am not sure what it is....but it's for the greater good of maintaining some control over my life which is no longer his to control. He's already assured the children that if I move, he will follow.

Not to support them of course, but to stalk me 'be close' to them.

Hurting your kids to get to your ex. So unique.

What a man.

Guess what we did today?

She is very concerned, as you can see from this picture:



She waited so long for this day....


And look at her.

She is gorgeous - a superstar.
And I thanked her for picking out the least expensive (but most adorable) teeny tiny cobalt blue beads....

A Word About Neglect

DAD.