Friday, March 30, 2007

i am not a poet. i already know that

morose alert: orange (christ yes, i have worse)

dear elijah
when you were born it was only 3 hours since being given my first pitocin
when you were born i had no idea it was 'a semi-emergency'
i had no idea when there was a pediatrician there ready to inspect you
i had no idea when they said you weren't growing...let's induce
when you were born i had 3 bites of ben&jerry's brownie chunk that i later threw up
when you were born i was afraid to push
but you pushed your own way out
(and they later claimed you were weak!)
and when i reached down to pull you to me
i gasped
in awe
when you were born i held you in front of my face, giant in front of your tiny boy body
i told you we were elated to meet you
we loved you forever
you chose the right family
thank you
and some other polite things you say upon meeting someone special for first time
you were radiant, and i was embarrassed, because i was moist with childbirth
and you were so ~ ethereal
when you were born your scent was intoxicating
your sister adored you from the moment she couldn't touch you
when you were born, there were four blissful hours -when nothing was wrong - we had together
just us and love
i could not take my eyes off of you
i could not stop inhaling your head
i could not stop rubbing my cheeks against the silk of your hair, your cheeks
when you were born your eyes were wise
and held only my gaze
we cuddled
we sang
there were four blissful hours where nothing was wrong
-you were still perfect-
before you were taken from my arms - in fear
'to be watched' - in fear
(but that was after midnight; april fools - surely a joke?)
when you were born there was mystery and peace surrounding you
and - fear
when you were born i was afraid that you would leave us too soon
and i would be left forever missing you
and goddammit, you did


meno said...

This is so hard to read. But however hard the reading is, i am unable to even imagine......

see, i can't even say it.

I'm so sorry.

Elizabeth said...

Oh, sweetie. Bloglines JUST sent me this update, or I would have been here sooner. I can't even imagine the depth of your anger, your sorrow, your grief. I hope pouring the words out here helps a little. Much love to you, darlin'.