Thursday, August 16, 2007

Cheap Night's Cheap Thrill

Because we are all about the bargains, we have kept the money-suck that is the Boardwalk A Big Secret from Bubbles, who is a ride junkie. He does not like to be removed from any kiddie ride, and would prefer that you leave him right there, please, because he is not yet finished riding. And because we are all about the bargains, I suggested that we take a family night out at the Boardwalk this week on (what I call) 'cheap night'. 'Cheap Night' is when they still gouge you for the parking and the corndogs, but let you ride anything, (even the roller coaster) for the price of ONE SINGLE .75cent ticket.
We were all over that. Another ride on the bi-planes? No problem! Just scoop up the screaming toddler, run out the exit, back through the entrance, plop! back in the plane! One more whirl on the merry-go-round? No problem! We don't even care about sitting on the outside row of horses to try and grab the brass rings because we are too short, so we get to slip ahead of half the line! The guy only grabs two of my three tickets - oh who cares, it's Family Night! Everyone is happy! The weather is perfect, the sun is setting, the boardwalk is swarming with families of all colors and shapes and sizes, the kids are sticky and happy.

We got a lot of shots like this:

'Up! I want up! up! up! Go up!'

And this:
'I don't want to WATCH, I want to RIDE, Woman! put me down!'

And this:
'I Rule this whale ride, yo!'

And this:

Wait - is that a slicked-up woman with outrageous porn-sized freakishly large breasts? Why, yes it IS!
And is that a photo shoot on the beach at sunset with approximately five thousand people watching from the boardwalk? YES! It IS!
When I first spied this, I couldn't speak for a few moments. I nudged dh with a very sharp elbow and scraped my chin off the sand.
"N-n-n-never I-I-I wha?" I stammered.
Dh looked at me questioningly.
I had lost my ability to speak. I glanced down for a moment at my own pathetic hooters, their freakish nature created by nursing three babies.
I finally regained the ability to speak in my native tongue of broken English.
"Only pictures. Never in person. Have never seen. Breasts. That ginormous. For real."
"No, most certainly not real," corrected dh.

I wondered what bathing suit catalog she was modeling for.

I am a fool.
Moments later, this was what my camera (and that of probably every teenage boy on the boardwalk, and there were plenty of them) caught:

Oh. I see. No bathing suit. Oh. OOOOHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh..... (me? a little slow.)
And the breasts that only a porn star would have...OH! Why YES! Of course!

So, this being family night, I did ponder for a moment how other families were reacting to this, or perhaps explaining it to their kids, or tying bandanas around their eyes. Since my kids were far more interested in the ferris wheel and cotton candy than the beach eye-candy, I could still laugh about it (oh, I did laugh. a lot!)
And really? Would I have a problem with this if my kids were older?
Well, nudity is no problem. We're all fine with The Nudity in our family.
But breasts that look like that? Now how the fuck am I supposed to explain that to my daughter? How is she supposed to understand why someone would take those parts of her body and inflate them to the size of overgrown hydroponic watermelons? Seriously.
I don't even understand it myself!

Editors note: Updated 8/17 to say

Oh, let me clarify.
I said freakishly large breasts, implying that they were, um, large.
A friend's husband checked in and was apparently disappointed with the billing, labeling it "a 'G' photo" with a shrug. Look, people, I am talking some SERIOUSLY LARGE BREASTS.

Zoom in if you dare doubt me.

I stick by my original description of 'freakishly large'.


jenijen said...

i'm speechless.

geener said...

Are you sure that when she was crouched naked on the beach she wasn't just trying to sneak up on that seagull?

nakedjen said...

wait! i think i know her. but what i really want to know is why it is okay for HER to be naked on the beach and everyone tells me i'm going to hell when i'm the one who is naked at the boardwalk?


Tricia said...

But, why would the other person holding the mirror also be naked?

gwendomama said...

why, what a good question, tricia! because they were taking turns posing and holding the mirror. never saw any girl on girl action though.

Heidi said...

Girl on girl action WOULD be difficult to explain on Family Night...

BarbaraCA said...

How come when WE go to Main Beach, all WE ever see are confused, vomiting, fully dressed men?