Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Got My Head In His Cloud Again

I recently found a huge file of photos of Elijah. I had either forgotten about them or convinced myself that they didn't exist....who knows.
I can hardly describe what finding these has felt like....a gift...a peace....a stirring....a mindfuck...another unwanted but polite visit from Grief....

A mother.
I was his mother too....wispy shadows swirling...his life flickered by....his scent hangs on my shoulders.....my head in his cloud.



The gifts are in the flickers; each one gifts me a memory....we had some fun with that baby:







Missing him doesn't quite cut it on these days.

16 comments:

For the Long Haul said...

So unbelievably beautiful that child is. What a gift. Thank you for sharing him with us. Sending you loving thoughts.

Lauri said...

Simply beautiful...thank you

The Turtle and the Monkey said...

He is beautiful.

Grief always seems to visit when we are not expecting it. Such an unwelcome and welcome visitor all at the same time. Thinking of you..

Anita said...

Aww, so adorable.
And heart-wrenching.
(((hugs))))
-Anita R.

jennyalice said...

I love the "compare to Teddy" pictures.. we did "compare to Daddy's gigantic size 16 shoe.. okay actually we did that with Descartes' shoe and someone else's baby before we had kids.. but you get the idea.
Thanks for sharing the photos. Hope grief is just stopping by...

Headless Mom said...

(((hugs)))

RoseRedHoofbeats said...

I love how in the second picture he's giving you a look like, "What... the heck... is going on?!"

Such a pretty baby.

Lynnbug said...

He is beuatiful. My thoughts are with you.

Tracey said...

Love to you, Gwen. He certainly was a beautiful baby...

Linda said...

Beautiful, beautiful boy...

-T- said...

What a sweetie. I spent quite some time reading your archives.

We're coming up on 14 years of missing our Andrew. He was diagnosed with bronchial malacia. He was one month shy of his first birthday.

Hugs to you.

Mama Deb said...

Holy frak. So precious, your Elijah!

I really enjoyed hanging with you and Ezra today. Hope we can do it again soon. B insists on it!

Julia said...

These make me smile. Beautiful boy, Elijah, just beautiful.

I've been living in my own cloud these last couple of weeks... rolling self into a ball for a lot of it. And thinking about pictures, too.

Peace to you...

Kelley said...

broke my heart a little.

Love ya babe.

Ginn said...

Beautiful baby boy.
Life can be awful sometimes. Flickers are most certainly not enough, but are a nice surprise most of the time, I think.

I always feel happier if I've had a dream with my mother in it, it's like I saw her, you know?

Anyhow, e-hugs your way.

Shannon and Carey said...

He's absolutely breathtaking. I love his cheeks. I am so sorry you miss him. I cannot even begin to imagine how much.