Wednesday, March 24, 2010

'Violence' is not subjective: It has a definition.

I am SO frustrated. I am deeply disgusted, hurt, bewildered (yet again), and even angry.

I don't want to be in this position, yet I can see no way out of always being the target of his anger. Since he can't actually have a dialogue with me in person, I imagine he is having a private dialogue about how I got him in this place.

A year later and I really hoped by now he would 'get it', gotten his head out of his own ass, shaken himself off, and had a new vision of how to move forward - in the best interest of our children.

A year later and I would love to say 'supervised visits are no longer necessary - pick them up from school and feed them some dinner. We will talk about overnights when everyone feels comfortable with a few hours.'
But I can't.

I would love to believe that his demands for more visitation were out of pure intentions, not those motivated to hurt me or simply reduce his child support obligation (which he is mostly ignoring anyway).

I would love to be able to have a discussion with him. I am ready to scatter Elijah's ashes - I was ready a year ago - but would never presume to exclude him from that.

I believe the best thing for our children is for us to not have this anger-filled non-relationship. I know it is best for our children. I want to move forward; I have said it a million times before.

But then he says something so ridiculous it reminds me of the years of living with him - the many many times I piled the kids in the car to give him some space to calm down, the years of intervening. And I wonder how some people can be more dedicated to proving that they were 'right' than they are preserving the integrity and future of our children. As in, 'Don't ever let anyone hurt you.' How could he teach that to Supergirl if he doesn't believe that he hurt anyone? He didn't beat our kids up, but because he was a parent of convenience ('No, taking our children to the doctor or birthday parties is not convenient, nor is your request for me to participate in the care of our children while you prepare dinner - but perhaps I will take them for a hike tomorrow!), he has no idea what it takes to parent for more than a few hours at a time.

I know one person who is mouthier than I am, and that is our daughter.
I don't expect his personality to change - I expect him to always be entitled to his own agenda over anyone else's - but I did hope that, by now, he would not only understand and grasp the severity of his aggression against me, but feel quite embarrassed about it and be devoted to protecting his daughter from a future of the same powerlessness in the face of violence.
And yes sir, it was Violence.
As it is, I can only wonder what size 'Nelson' or headlock she will get when she mouths off to him and he is tired, worn out, or simply angered by her words.

I am so frustrated.
One parent alone cannot force the other one to do the right thing. Even for the kids.


K said...

I wish I could say I thought he'll treat his daughter differently but he won't. My father is no where near what "he" is in terms of abuse, but he has been disrespectful and rude to my mother my whole life, he has always felt the world revolved around him, he has always done things (like the hike) that allow him to convince himself that he's a good parent. And he's just as rude and disrespectful in his tone to me as he was to my mother. And despite "adoring" his toddler granddaughter, that relationship is also really about him and his terms. The best way your daughter can learn not to let someone hurt her is by doing exactly what you've done - to not let him hurt you. She will learn from your example. His words will hurt her as she grows up but hopefully not his hands. And she will grow up to admire your incredible strength.

Jennifer said...

As your kids grow up they will see in time how he is. They will get hurt by his actions. This is how they will learn. But they will see what you have done too, and they will see how strong you are for what you have done.

Anonymous said...

gwendomama said...

Thanks Pete, I needed that one. I agree, wholeheartedly! And thanks for saying it for me- allowing my sly escape from any shy admissions!

Anonymous said...

How right you are, oh... how incredibly RIGHT you are.

After an eight year custody nightmare, I have my daughter. Well, pieces of who she is trying to be. There is no way to force another parent to do the right thing; especially when that other parent is a violent, abusive, reckless sociopath. *ahem*

Sorry, I was actually talking about my daughter's father, just then.

I do understand. A lot. And oh, how I salute the courage it takes to put one foot in front of the other, every single day.

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