Tuesday, May 11, 2010

May 11th, 2010.

Today is May 11th.
Six years ago today, Elijah died.

When I first started writing about Elijah and losing him, these days scared the hell out of me. The anticipation alone was nearly enough to order a 5150. I stumbled from his birthday (3/31) to his death day 5 weeks later, noticing little along the way but the cruel and continuous passage of time.
I was terrified of what the day might bring. What could be even remotely as awful as that day in reality? Nothing.
But anticipation of more grief is a scary thing when you are already steeped in grief. My coping skills were watered down by grief, and chipped away by an unforgiving and full-of-judgment partner.

I did anticipate this day (dead baby day) to be easier than in past years, but I wasn't sure why I expected that. A few good friends asked me yesterday how I was doing, knowing that this time of year has historically sucked for me.
When I was asked, I realized that I was actually fine, because my anticipation of today was not influenced by the fear of being mocked or berated for whatever came up for me.
In the past, if I cried or was sad or depressed on this day, (vividly remembering unsuccessful CPR attempts and images of Elijah losing his breath), then I was 'choosing to be sad' or even accused of 'being ungrateful and not appreciating my live children'.
I am allowed to grieve freely this year, and I'm not even feeling that overwhelmingly grievous.
I miss my baby, I always will, but I am resigned to it being my history. Not fighting the emotions that came with that loss.
And if I am sad today?
This will also be fine.

11 comments:

Miss Grace said...

Love you sugar.

jw said...

Peace Gwendomama, when we are allowed to freely experience our emotions, we can work through the pain. Grief is that bittersweet remembreance of all the good things and sadness around the bad things. I am glad you're healing,the power of love is all around you.

Lunasea said...

I'm so glad you're free of that. And, once again, I'm so sorry you had to say goodbye to Elijah.

jenijen said...

I've been a terrible, out of touch friend lately, but have been thinking about you a lot.

Just wanted to tell you I love you.

xo

maplesyrup said...

I am so glad that you are able to grieve freely! I think of you and you little ones often and I always enjoy your updates. I saw you last week at the Farmers Market, but I wasn't able to get over to you--we were headed in different directions. Love and hugs are sent your way!!

Anita said...

Hugs to you.

furiousBall said...

there are four people in New Jersey (and that's just the ones I know of) that love you very much lady. Abbe, me, and my short people sending you strength and love and boogers today (the boogers are to make you laugh, but if you eat them... I owe Abbe $10)

Sophie said...

I'm glad you are able to freely grieve now. How selfish of him not to let you do this in the past. The people who have done that to me... I don't think i will ever forgive them for it.

Thinking of Elijah. He was a beautiful, gorgeous little boy. I wll never forget his eyes. They were stunning.
xx

Melissa said...

Sending love and peace your way~

myskytimes said...

Hoping you had a peaceful day. So sorry Eljah can't be with you... I know all about judgemental "partners" that tell us not to obsess or other bullshit. And man, I'm glad these men are gone and done with and we can finally mourn whichever way we want.

Sending some sunshine!

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