Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Mother of three....

Today, my invisible child would have turned 7.
He would have. If he wasn't dead, that is.

For 406 days he shared himself, full of grace, with mortals.

For 406 days, I was his mother.

Some days, it's easier to breathe than others. Some days I don't have to remind myself to draw another breath in, before exhaling everything I have, deflated like an empty shell.

Monday, March 29, 2010


Clearly I am not cashing in enough on #Shitmykidsays.

I mean really. I know you all think your kid is way funnier than mine.

But here's the thing, he's not.

And here is why:
My kid has Apraxia.
AND he's funny. Hilarious, even.
And I see a touch of Aphasia.
And word retrieval issues.
And a phonological disorder.
In a restricted-by-apraxia result.

Just a few recent gems:

Davey: Bubbles, I love you.
Bubbles: You do?
Davey: I do! I love you so much!
Davey's Mom: It's true, Bubbles. We all love you so much. We think you are just great!
Bubbles: Yes. And I'm shiny.


Speech Therapist: Bubbles, I want you to remember to say 'is'. 'Iiiiissssszzzzzzzz'. He IS holding a teddy bear. She IS feeling sad. Mommy IS going to the store.
Bubbles: Okay. I is gonna have a lot of words in my mouth.


Bubbles: MAMA!! I want to play with these eggs! They so bootiful!
Mama: Not yet, Bubs. Those are for filling up with treats for Easter!
Bubbles: Oh, okay! They for the Easter Egg Sneak?
Mama: (.....?......)
Mama: Oh YES!! For the HUNT!! The sneaky Easter egg HUNT!


Mama: Bubbles, if your ear still hurts, I think we need to go to the doctor.
Bubbles (remembering his last visit w/shots and a 'finger stick'): Uhh....Mama? The doctor wanna poke me wif a stick that's sharp? I don like it.


Friday, March 26, 2010

Supergirl's Room Rules

I would totally hang out in that room.

I love this kid so very much. Have I mentioned that lately?

Thursday, March 25, 2010

And Sometimes Its Funny

So I went to pick up the kids from the supervised visitation provider at the park.
She's a very likable person, friendly to the children, pleasant. I have nothing to hide from her - she has already seen my messy car - and I am not under scrutiny, but of course I always worry about every new scratch our wild little Bubbles gets. What if that is under scrutiny....and he keeps fighting with the damn cat!
We're mothers, we worry. Like the time Supergirl was barely 2 years old and whined in a tiny plaintive voice, "Mama....I want soda! Peeese get me soda!"
In front of 5 month old Elijah's Early Intervention therapist!!
"She means CEREAL! For some reason it just comes out sounding like 'soda'! HA! I would never ever give her soda! HA HA HA!!"

She blinked at me. I got up and got the cereal.

So the kids. At the park. And the supervisor person. As I am getting the kids buckled in, I remind them who we are going to go pick up before we go home.
"Malcolm??" shouts Bubbles. "Malcolm is coming OVER?"
"Yes," I remind him, "We're going to get him now."
I look at the still very nearby chaperon and smile.
"Umm YES!" I shout back, "Malcolm the DOG is sleeping OVER! The DOG!"

File that under: Unforeseen hazards of dogsitting for Grace.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

'Violence' is not subjective: It has a definition.

I am SO frustrated. I am deeply disgusted, hurt, bewildered (yet again), and even angry.

I don't want to be in this position, yet I can see no way out of always being the target of his anger. Since he can't actually have a dialogue with me in person, I imagine he is having a private dialogue about how I got him in this place.

A year later and I really hoped by now he would 'get it', gotten his head out of his own ass, shaken himself off, and had a new vision of how to move forward - in the best interest of our children.

A year later and I would love to say 'supervised visits are no longer necessary - pick them up from school and feed them some dinner. We will talk about overnights when everyone feels comfortable with a few hours.'
But I can't.

I would love to believe that his demands for more visitation were out of pure intentions, not those motivated to hurt me or simply reduce his child support obligation (which he is mostly ignoring anyway).

I would love to be able to have a discussion with him. I am ready to scatter Elijah's ashes - I was ready a year ago - but would never presume to exclude him from that.

I believe the best thing for our children is for us to not have this anger-filled non-relationship. I know it is best for our children. I want to move forward; I have said it a million times before.

But then he says something so ridiculous it reminds me of the years of living with him - the many many times I piled the kids in the car to give him some space to calm down, the years of intervening. And I wonder how some people can be more dedicated to proving that they were 'right' than they are preserving the integrity and future of our children. As in, 'Don't ever let anyone hurt you.' How could he teach that to Supergirl if he doesn't believe that he hurt anyone? He didn't beat our kids up, but because he was a parent of convenience ('No, taking our children to the doctor or birthday parties is not convenient, nor is your request for me to participate in the care of our children while you prepare dinner - but perhaps I will take them for a hike tomorrow!), he has no idea what it takes to parent for more than a few hours at a time.

I know one person who is mouthier than I am, and that is our daughter.
I don't expect his personality to change - I expect him to always be entitled to his own agenda over anyone else's - but I did hope that, by now, he would not only understand and grasp the severity of his aggression against me, but feel quite embarrassed about it and be devoted to protecting his daughter from a future of the same powerlessness in the face of violence.
And yes sir, it was Violence.
As it is, I can only wonder what size 'Nelson' or headlock she will get when she mouths off to him and he is tired, worn out, or simply angered by her words.

I am so frustrated.
One parent alone cannot force the other one to do the right thing. Even for the kids.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

You Cannot Hate on Me

What if I gave you diamonds
Out of my own womb
Would you feel the love in that,
Or ask “why not the moon”?

If I gave you sanity
For the whole of humanity,
Had all the solutions
For the pain and pollution

No matter where I live,
Despite the things I give,
You’ll always be this way

Thanks again, Squid.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Chilling. Correct.

An awesome reader sent me a link to this article a couple of months ago. It was almost too chilling to share at first, but now I think it's too dangerous NOT to share.
Especially the following passage, which describes my EX so very well. That's the chilling part.
Here is a brief history of my life with him, and my life trying to escape him. If any of you have wondered why we stayed together so long, pay close attention to the sentence about ending a relationship:

The partner and children of a batterer will, however, experience generalizable
characteristics, though he may conceal these aspects of his attitude and behavior when other
people are present:
The batterer is controlling; he insists on having the last word in arguments and decision making,
he may control how the family's money is spent, and he may make rules for the victim
about her movements and personal contacts, such as forbidding her to use the telephone or to see certain friends.
He is manipulative; he misleads people inside and outside of the family about his
abusiveness, he twists arguments around to make other people feel at fault, and he turns into a
sweet, sensitive person for extended periods of time when he feels that it is in his best interest to
do so. His public image usually contrasts sharply with the private reality.
He is entitled; he considers himself to have special rights and privileges not applicable to
other family members. He believes that his needs should be at the center of the family's agenda,
and that everyone should focus on keeping him happy. He typically believes that it is his sole
prerogative to determine when and how sexual relations will take place, and denies his partner
the right to refuse (or to initiate) sex. He usually believes that housework and childcare should be done for him, and that any contributions he makes to those efforts should earn him special
appreciation and deference. He is highly demanding.
He is disrespectful; he considers his partner less competent, sensitive, and intelligent than
he is, often treating her as though she were an inanimate object. He communicates his sense of
superiority around the house in various ways.
The unifying principle is his attitude of ownership. The batterer believes that once you are
in a committed relationship with him, you belong to him. This possessiveness in batterers is the
reason why killings of battered women so commonly happen when victims are attempting to
leave the relationship; a batterer does not believe that his partner has the right to end a
relationship until he is ready to end it.

Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and responsibilities in
relationships, he considers himself to be the victim. Acts of self-defense on the part of the
battered woman or the children, or efforts they make to stand up for their rights, he defines as
aggression against him. He is often highly skilled at twisting his descriptions of events to create
the convincing impression that he has been victimized. He thus accumulates grievances over the
course of the relationship to the same extent that the victim does, which can lead professionals to
decide that the members of the couple "abuse each other" and that the relationship has been
"mutually hurtful."

And Maggie? Thanks for reminding me that knowledge is power. I want mine back.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Sigh: 11 months later, he still believes that choking me wasn't violent

RESPONDENT: I wasn't permitted by law to be at that residence or to remove my belongings at that time.
JUDGE: Because of your conduct which led to the CLETS order. Am I getting that wrong?
RESPONDENT: Yes, you are.
JUDGE: You didn't get arrested and convicted?
RESPONDENT: No. I was not convicted of a domestic violence*. I pled no contest to disturbing the peace.
JUDGE:You are on formal probation?
JUDGE: Domestic violence counseling?
JUDGE: A 52- week program.
JUDGE: You are on three years formal probation?
JUDGE: That's conviction, sir.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think those mandatory DV classes are actually working.

*Blatant boldfaced, self-convinced lie.