I feel badly for him, really do.
Even with the betrayal I feel by him, and the anger I feel in response to him justifying his actions, and calling them 'defensible'. Even with realization that he could and would do it again, considering it was 'defensible', and even with the fear that follows that realization, I still feel badly for him.
It would be easier, cleaner, less muddy to feel badly for him if he was, in his heart, sorry.
If he was sorry, I guess it would be more clear to me why I feel badly for him.
But I still do, even though I am not sure why.
I think he can't help himself.
He has been losing touch with reality for so long, that he really believes his version.
This makes me sad.