I feel badly for him, really do.
Even with the betrayal I feel by him, and the anger I feel in response to him justifying his actions, and calling them 'defensible'. Even with realization that he could and would do it again, considering it was 'defensible', and even with the fear that follows that realization, I still feel badly for him.
It would be easier, cleaner, less muddy to feel badly for him if he was, in his heart, sorry.
If he was sorry, I guess it would be more clear to me why I feel badly for him.
But I still do, even though I am not sure why.
I think he can't help himself.
He has been losing touch with reality for so long, that he really believes his version.
This makes me sad.
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8 comments:
I'm not surprised. You seem like a good person. I've often had similar thoughts about people in my life. You want to kick their asses and then give them an ice pack if it hurts them. :P The fact that this is the father of your children only makes it more likely that you'll feel that way.
You are a kind and generous person. Maybe some day he will learn by example. *hugs*
You're right for that empathy, for sure. There are people in my life that just radiate delusion and have made this their reality by simple matter of repetition and usually one third party with some bad advice.
I think that is a common reaction for a man you loved.
I really get this. A lot.
My experience was, is, very different from yours, but I felt, feel this for him to varying degrees often. And try, with varying degrees of success, to not self-flagellate about it. It's very strange to feel, juxtaposed with all the other feelings.
Please keep writing.
I was emotionally and mentally abused. BUT!.Not physically. I felt for what he was going through, I totally did. Sometimes the guilt is awful too. But... He was and still is an asshole. I can't change that.
I've posted here before about my dad. Mostly his issues were between him and my mom, though some between him and his children. I tried writing him out of my life but found that more difficult than having him in it so I allowed him back, with limits. I always had to fight to maintain them.
Now he's in a nursing home, "recovering" (or not) from a broken hip and declining, probably, into Alzheimer's. It's very sad. I go visit him many times a week. Ironically, my mother does too, after all these years. I think much of what she does, she does to reduce the burden on me, his only child who still lives in the area. But still.
I've often thought of my dad as mentally ill, but honestly, in my world you either have to get help or face the consequences. For whatever that's worth.
Of course it does. Of course. (honestly, I worry more about people who don't feel this empathy). you were together a long time. Some of those times were good. You had three children together. You lost a child together. You're forever linked. And you're human, and you feel badly for this person you once loved, even if it's been a long time. What he did was indefensible. That does'nt mean you can't still care about him.
Well, sure. You loved him, he was your partner, you were committed to him and he is the father of your children. You can't just turn that off like a faucet. Besides, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy.
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