Trying to bite my tongue here, but seriously being tested.
He won't move his stuff out - basically refuses to get his things - which makes no sense to me as I am being beyond patient and what does he plan on doing with them if they are there?
And why the refusal to move out? Does he think he can store his things here for three years and then....come back? Does he not understand that if he doesn't do this willingly he is only asking for more conflict?
I don't get it.
I do know that it's a big EFF YOU to the court to list your contact address as the one from which you have been ordered to stay away, and as my friend says, "Let me pull another little bit of shock and surprise out of my ass!"
But for a man who claims to be doing 'everything possible' to see his kids, I wonder if he really gets what is going on for them?
Does he understand that because of his arrogance and delusion and refusal to cooperate or list an address is reason enough for his daughter to lose playdates? Does he realize that three parents have said to me that Supergirl is welcome to play at their house, but because of the volatile situation and the mystery of his whereabouts, they will not allow their children to come to our house. Explain that one to your daughter. And tell her she means the world to you as you share your own agenda and ignore hers. Because there is no other agenda.
I am so disgusted.
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25 comments:
i honestly think it's time for a very large, very glorious, very fab bonfire. we can even make homemade marshmallows to roast and then make delicious amazing s'mores.
cause it will be worth celebrating that all that stuff is going up in smoke!
that's just my thought. you're much nicer than me.
(i never did tell you what i did with exG's precious guitar amps...sometimes, G, you just have to stop being patient!)
Will the Salvation Army or Goodwill make house calls??? If not they, then I vote for large black trash bags on trash day. It may take three or four weeks but it's a method.
If I were you, I wouldn't destroy his property. (No point giving him an excuse to ark up.) I'd drop them off at his mother's place.
This stage will pass. It's just a pain in the proverbial having to live through it, though!
Hugs.
Many years ago when I was going through a divorce, and this was really good therapy, I packed up all his stuff and told him if he didn't pick it up I was going to ship it to his office. He came and got it all really quick!
I wrote my ex a certified letter saying he had to come and get his stuff by X date and whatever was left here after that would be considered to have been forfeited. For months and years later, he tried to get me to ship him this, that or another thing but I said, tough cookies. What he left here that I didn't want, I put up for sale on eBay. Made a killing, too! >wink<
I really think you hit it on the head - not picking up his stuff IS asking for more conflict - and that's exactly what he wants. He wants to fight some more - he probably gets off on it...I think packing everything up and giving him a day to come get it or you give it away (or sell it - or burn it) may work, but please, please make sure that lots of people are in the house with you to be witnesses to anything he might try - abusers hate having witnesses that can tell what they did...even better yet - take the stuff to his mom's house or the SIL and dump it in their front yard!! Let them deal with it since they're so proud of him. Poor supergirl - she shouldn't have to pay for his screwed up agends...Stay safe...
suckage.
(((hugs))) and a big punching bag for you.
Have a big garage sale and sale all of his shit for a dollar an item!. That will be a big fuck you to him.
Pack it up and put it in the garage. And document it. Lots of photos of everything you pack up so he can't claim that you have destroyed his property. Oh, and have someone standing beside it while you photograph it so they can confirm that nothing was harmed.
this fucking kills me. after my ex moved my kids away from me for two years, (they're back with me now) every day i undo some of the damage she did by taking them away from their dad. these things mean everything.
Can you open a storage site in his name, have the bill sent to him and then put all his crap in there?
Either that or employ the strategy they used in my last apartment complex: Put all his crap on the curb and tell him he'd better come get it before the neighborhood scroungers do.
Whatever you do, send him a letter telling him you're going to do X if he doesn't come get everything by X date - and keep a copy of that - get it notarized or at least a return receipt with the USPS. That way he can't accuse you of stealing his stuff and take you to some small claims court hell in the future.
Lauri is right, I think, as are you- yes, he is asking/creating/interested in more conflict. After all, if you're in conflict, you're in contact. Not feeding that flame may be the toughest endurance test of this entire crap fest. The trick will be in acting as cool and unemotional as possible while moving toward resolution. Be honorable, be honest, but be resolute (so maybe sell all his crap, but only after given him written notice you will do so after X period of time has passed). You're getting to where you need to go. He can get out of the way or get mowed over. That is his choice. Jerk. I'm sorry.
I agree with all of your very smart commenters -- he's keeping whatever connection open that he can. Do not play his game. I like the idea of the certified letter with a deadline to pick up his stuff -- I also like the idea of dropping it all at his mother's or sister's house.
I am disgusted as well.
I really love the idea of a certified letter, but I would CC this to your lawyer/law enforcement person in charge of the restraining order. Ask asshole to reply via the lawyer/law enforcement, not you. He's being a selfish asshole, but I'd leave that out too for the moment, and make this as short and sweet as possible.
I never cease to be amazed at how men can act so selfishly and claim to still be caring fathers. Blows my mind. Hang tough. You have a lot of people at your back.
This is SOOO true: "The trick will be in acting as cool and unemotional as possible while moving toward resolution."
It's infuriating that he's leaving you to pack all his crap up and deal with it. There's a lot of good advice here. My advice is to deal with it as soon as possible and get it out of your way.
i agree that he is looking for more conflict. remove his belongings from your house and do any of the more responsible suggestions (send a certified letter, move it to the curb, goodwill, SIL, etc). you do not want him coming into your home and poking around and arguing about who gets every little thing. if he refuses to come into your home, he is doing you a favor. yes, you have to do the work of choosing things and physically packing them up, but at least you will feel safer not having him in your house.
hang tough.
You need to find out from a lawyer what the correct next step is to do with his property.
Since the "game" is afoot, your smartest move is to move carefully and painstakingly correctly.
And take people up on their offer to let Supergirl come play at their house. She's not loosing playdates if you are still willing to let her play at their house. She does not need to be brought into this level of the conflict.
Lots of great advice here. Best of luck (and wishing you lots of strength in) keeping your cool.
I have my trusty, roomy Subaru Forester and am willing to shlep his fucking shit to the Goodwill. Send the certified letter first, though. Give him a deadline. If the fucker doesn't meet the deadline, then call me and I'll be there to load and then unload. Done, motherfucker, done.
Yeah I'm cussing. And this fuck you is for you, you stupid fuck ex-partner of Gwen's. We're on to you, loser. Your sad gig is up.
I do know that salvation army does pick up here and is happy to do it.
THey'll bring a big truck and take it all if you want.
With the certified letter, put the date of pick up and leave it on him. Then they can take it all, or whatever he leaves behind if he doesn't want it all and then that's it. Over and done.
Why didn't I think of that?
I'm sure I'm not saying anything that is new here. I'd send him a certified letter, cc both your attorney and his, cc the court system. Check with your attorney first as to the wording and inform him that his things will be set out at xxx location on xxx date and time for him to pick up. Failure to make the pick up will result in his things being towed to the trash or sent to charity. Do NOT allow him to pick things up from your home. From what I understand, he has a restraining order anyway. I'd also call the court system and demand that they provide you with his correct address being that OBVIOUSLY the listing of YOUR address MUST be an oversight and they need to fix their records pronto.
Is everything OK? Just wondering as haven't seen you post anything for a bit....
Likewise. Are you ok?
Worried that I haven't heard from you! Did you get my phone message the other day? We'll see Bubbles next week!!
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