I'm frustrated. I know he reads this blog (oh, hi there), and because of this I probably post more video of the kids than I would have, pre-split.
But he reads every word as well, and where the blog was originally beneficial for him, it has become now a source of contention. Much in the way that the very things that attracted him to me were the very things that propelled him to attack me. It's no surprise to anyone that I am an opinionated and resourceful person. Nor is it a surprise that I have fortitude, strength, and great mama instincts. All of these things suddenly worked against him (and me) when I didn't agree with what he said, or I didn't simply shut up, so he could continue to be right.
I have more fear of him now than I did the day after he did it. I don't even want to publish those words, because it is like giving him power on a platter.
But it is the truth, because, at that time, there was still a chance. A chance to have remorse. A chance to feel apologetic. A chance to understand that what had just happened was wrong. Even in the aftermath of having him scream into my ear as I lost the ability to breathe, "Someone should have done this to you a long time ago!" - there was still a chance for that 'OMG WHAT HAVE I DONE?' moment to occur. I went for the phone, so he had to take me down the second time.
There was a brief period of 'What have I done, I am so sorry...' followed by another brief (but achingly familiar) period of 'I should put a bullet through my head.'
Then I went to the police and reported it.
That was when it all changed. Now he is the victim. He is a victim of circumstance.
Now, his own statement to the police has morphed out of truth and into his alternate reality. He has gone to great lengths to resist any education because he didn't do anything wrong. His actions were defensible, and continue to diminish in nature. Certainly they had no negative impact on our children, right?
I lived with him for 9 years. I watched him revise and re-tell reality. Or simply walk away from it if he didn't like what he saw.
So now, what he did to me is fine. Not scary, not threatening, not even 'wrong' in his book.
Hell yeah I am more afraid of him than I was then.