Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Time Does Not Heal ALL Wounds

I'm frustrated. I know he reads this blog (oh, hi there), and because of this I probably post more video of the kids than I would have, pre-split.

But he reads every word as well, and where the blog was originally beneficial for him, it has become now a source of contention. Much in the way that the very things that attracted him to me were the very things that propelled him to attack me. It's no surprise to anyone that I am an opinionated and resourceful person. Nor is it a surprise that I have fortitude, strength, and great mama instincts. All of these things suddenly worked against him (and me) when I didn't agree with what he said, or I didn't simply shut up, so he could continue to be right.

I have more fear of him now than I did the day after he did it. I don't even want to publish those words, because it is like giving him power on a platter.
But it is the truth, because, at that time, there was still a chance. A chance to have remorse. A chance to feel apologetic. A chance to understand that what had just happened was wrong. Even in the aftermath of having him scream into my ear as I lost the ability to breathe, "Someone should have done this to you a long time ago!" - there was still a chance for that 'OMG WHAT HAVE I DONE?' moment to occur. I went for the phone, so he had to take me down the second time.

There was a brief period of 'What have I done, I am so sorry...' followed by another brief (but achingly familiar) period of 'I should put a bullet through my head.'
Then I went to the police and reported it.

That was when it all changed. Now he is the victim. He is a victim of circumstance.
Now, his own statement to the police has morphed out of truth and into his alternate reality. He has gone to great lengths to resist any education because he didn't do anything wrong. His actions were defensible, and continue to diminish in nature. Certainly they had no negative impact on our children, right?

I lived with him for 9 years. I watched him revise and re-tell reality. Or simply walk away from it if he didn't like what he saw.
So now, what he did to me is fine. Not scary, not threatening, not even 'wrong' in his book.

Hell yeah I am more afraid of him than I was then.
Hell yeah.

20 comments:

Headless Mom said...

xoxo

Miss Grace said...

<3

insertwittytitleheremomstired said...

I'm so sorry that he is still able to have some power over you. It's never easy, especially when kids are involved. Continue to stay strong, you'll get through this.

Sophie said...

I have no words. Just so much regret for 'his choices'... what he chose to do and for what he continues to choose to believe about himself. It helps no one for him to be in denial.

xx

Anonymous said...

I hope you are in the process of divorcing this POS. If he is reading this here is a message for him:

Hey scumbag, does it make you feel like a man to abuse a woman and destroy children by having them witness the abuse of their own mother? You are a lowlife and nowhere near being a man. You fucking loser.

Sorry, but that's what he is.

Angie said...

I have written a comment 5 times and deleted it. I only just found your blog today. I read this three times and each time my stomach pitched and rolled. My ex? Is now serving a life sentence. After I divorced him for this very type of thing he did the unspeakable. He got a gf and she did not live to tell her story. Protect yourself and your kids. Demand supervised visitation. Get restraining orders. PROTECT yourself. When your divorce is final do not let your guard down. Abuse is a mental illness. He is sick and don't trust him. Abusers may change but only to find another way to dish out their abuse. Don't be his victim.

Jarbig said...

@Angie - Thank you for saying that. You are absolutely, completely right. Too often, we women get all guilt-ridden, squirrely about letting our abusers continue to have access to the children. After all, they have a parental right, right? And the children shouldn't have to suffer, right? But in reality, the children do suffer by trying to makes heads or tails of the insanity they're too smart not to see while trying to continue the relationship.

I was married for 22 years to a man who abused me every which way but physically. That stuff he took out on the walls, the doors, and himself. I won't go into it. Suffice to say he's on gf/wife #3 since we split, and it's only been 5 years. I shudder to think what he may end up doing to the lovely woman who is now his handler. Poor thing.

Mine had a fondness for guns and drugs. I had to be the Really Bad Guy for about a year before I was able to get him far enough away from us that I could calm down. And, thank goddess, our children weren't babies when everything came to a head. The youngest was 13 and has turned out far wiser and steadier than the older one who had to live through even more years of the insanity than his brother.

I don't know what else to say but to reiterate what Angie said: PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS! And screw any affect that may have on the POS X.

Anonymous said...

Three words--Nicole Brown Simpson. Abusers don't change, they continue the abuse until they get their way. They are sociopaths. I would protect yourself and your kids at all costs.

Mama Deb said...

Sorry, Gwendolyn. Let's seriously catch up in person soon. The kids and I would love to make a trip down to you. We'll bring food...and wine!

RoseRedHoofbeats said...

Sending as much love and hugs and virtual chocolate as I can over the internet.

nakedjen said...

I am sending you love. I wish I could do more, but know that I always am sending love.

Anonymous said...

I left in January 2007 - the abuse wasn't physical (at least not yet) but the emtional trauma that he inflicted on me daily (for 10+ years) took alot of therapy and coaching to undo. And while it never got as bad for me as it has for many others, it should never be like this for anyone.

My daughter was 7 when I left and she doesn't remember how he treated me (he was very very secretive about destroying everything about me) but she is aware that things are different at his house vs. my house. We share custody (for now) although I may file for full custody in the near future.

She often complains that she doesn't want to do her homework at his house because he tells her that she is stupid (5th grade and all A on her report card) and that she doesn't know anything.

I try to get all her week's work done on the nights that I have her so she doesn't have to deal with him at all. His gf is equally rigid about everything and often tells my daughter that she doesn't know how to dress correctly and doesn't know how to match her clothing up correctly. Nope, my daughter fancies herself a fashion designer and has more than once told me that she can't be confined to follow the rules of fashion...

I just want to make sure her spirit is never smothered.

Gladys said...

I am sitting here crying. You just wrote my life with my ex. Who are you? Have you been hiding in my closet? Reading my mind? Did you marry my ex? Do you think if we bond together we can get rid of these bullies?

Shea's Mom said...

Hi there,

I have just officially awarded your blog the Lemonade Blog award!

http://coaxingwordsfromshea.blogspot.com/2009/10/lemonade-blog-award.html

The deal is; you get to revel in the glory and post the award on your blog then nominate and award it to 10 other bloggers who you really like.

It was sort of fun and it really made me think about whose blogs I really, REALLY like and want to stay connected with.

So congratulations and pat yourself on the back, cuz I can't quite reach.

Then go out there and pat a few backs just to keep the karma balanced.

;-)

XO

Shelley
aka Shea's mom
http://coaxingwordsfromshea.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

He sounds like someone with borderline personality.
That would also be my sister.

vevice said...

Hey there Gwen. I found your blog a few weeks ago, read and read and read and thought "How awful for her. I have the verbal and emotional abuse, but at least there's no physical abuse. Thank God for that." And then a few days ago, it happened to me. Thank you for speaking out, and making it a little easier for the rest of us.

Cameron"s Corner 2 said...

G,
As always when I read what that pos did you you I want to drop kick his ass.
I am just now learning how to to be afraid or intimidated by my ex. But don't let your guard down. Not even for a minute.
Love you.

Linda said...

I'm new here, but it sounds like he has Avoidant Personality Disorder....everything I have read about it claims there is very little help for someone with AvPD. Even if they want to change they hate themselves so much, they are unable. It is usually accompanied by other mental problems such as depression, or bi-polar disorder.
I'm glad you are out, and wish you didn't have to deal with him as a father to your children. I don't want to wish for anything bad to happen to him.....but I do! He's a useless, controlling, self-centered MF, that doesn't deserve to have children or a wife!

Anonymous said...

I'm a new reader, directed this way from Notes From the Trenches. I've spent the last few days, from 10:00pm to past 1:00am, reading your archives.

Every word I've read is like deja vu. I can't tell you how many times I have literally gasped out loud because it was like reading words I had in my head but had no idea I put on paper.

I was married to a narcissistic man who talked to me the way Xman talked to you. When I (repeatedly) asked for a divorce, he threatened to kill himself, saying he would "make sure" the kids would know it was my fault.

Now that we're actually divorcing - a fifteen month process so far with no end in sight - who is the victim? He is, of course. I ruined his life. None of this is his fault.

Anyway - terrible as it is to know that someone else is dealing with this, it is so . . . calming? no. a relief? no. Comforting, perhaps, is the word I am looking for, though that seems wrong somehow too. It is just nice to know I am not alone.

When there's a really bad day, I just remind myself - bad by myself is still a million times better than bad with him.

Thank you. And good luck.

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