Thursday, October 19, 2006

Love Thursday

I couldn't decide to blog about the ridiculous birthday story I still haven't spilled, or to write about how incredible waves of sadness washed over me as I passed Elijah's beach yesterday, which is something I do every time I drive an hour up the coast to go to work.

Then I checked in on Jen and remembered it was 'Love Thursday'. I don't like to be too committed to schedules you know, so don't expect any regularity on my part. But it did help clarify what I wanted to say today.

As Bubbles approaches his first birthday (!), he also approaches the oldest age Elijah ever reached (13mos,11days). Why is that significant? HellifIknow. They don't cover what is a 'normal' grief reaction in those damn baby books. But it is significant, as was the day I realized he had been gone longer than he was alive, and the days I should have been baking him cakes - those days were also significant. And the first time Bubbles sat up unassisted or said 'Mama', or reached some other milestone that Elijah never did - those were somehow connected to Elijah and also significant in a way for which I have yet to find the words.
I know that Bubbles is not Elijah, of course I do. And yet, for me, somehow these two baby experiences are undoubtedly linked. Should it be significant that right now Bubbles has bronchitis, the last Dx given to Elijah before he died? Well, if making your mama more worried and slightly crazier than her usual jello-solid self counts as significant, then the answer is YES! Overwhelmingly, HELLYES! And usually, when I pass Elijah's beach on my way to sing happy music, Bubbles is in the car with me and I tell him, "This is Elijah's beach. Elijah was your brother. Hi, Elijah!" (the 'Hi' part is what Supergirl always says. I stole it).
So yesterday when Bubbles stayed home sick with dh, it felt a little a lot more lonely driving by Elijah's beach.
We knew when we decided to have another baby that part of the reason was because we had so much love for another child in our family, and my arms were too empty. Which is exactly what I would tell any asshat who ventured into the 'don't try and replace a baby' territory after Elijah died.
Well what I am bumbling around trying to say, is that, much in the same way as when you expand your family with another child and your love grows exponentially to accommodate that child, that growth never ever shrinks. So when Bubbles was born, my arms were again filled with baby, and my heart grew again to fit in all the swelling love I have for him.
And the emptiness that sometimes overwhelms me, the emptiness that resides in the stretched-out space of my heart that grew when Elijah was born....what it really is, is love. Because that love will never go away, and I am coming to understand that.

I love you, Elijah.

Forever is such a long time.

9 comments:

chris said...

I don't have any words to do this post justice, but I couldn't read it and then leave without saying something, no matter how inadequate it might be.

It was beautiful, heartbreaking, and touching. But mostly full of love.

(((hugs))) to you

Smiley Riley said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
gwendomama said...

chris
thank you.

smileyriley- who found my site searching for tracheomalacia, who deleted your own comment. please come back!
you are lucky to have your little one still! come back and meet me!

Karianna said...

Beautiful words, sad thoughts, but thank you for sharing. I will never understand or pretend to, but I am so glad you have allowed us to see Elijah and his beach.

nakedjen said...

you just made me cry.

i don't know that i've ever read a more beautiful post. ever. anywhere.

i am so veryveryvery blessed to know you and love you and call you my friend.

love.

vixanne wigg said...

I don't know how to say what I want to say....I always sort of hate to see the posts about Elijah, but not because I don't like hearing about him. It's just so sad that he is not here with you, and I feel like if I, a total stranger, feel so sad hearing about him, how many millions times sadder it must be for you.

Beautiful post. He was a beautiful, beautiful child.

Naomi said...

That love will never ever die.

I know what you mean about the milestones. We lost our oldest child, and everytime one of our other children passes a milestone that he never had a chance to... our hearts break.

You take care!!!

Smiley Riley said...

Could you still read my post?! I thought when I deleted it, it was gone! I deleted it as I wasn't sure if it was insensitive to tell you our story, which to a point sounds identical, but which ended so differently. Merely by luck on our part, I was within running distance of help.

You write so beautifully, I feel mixed up reading your blog. I feel touched, lucky, heartbroken and angry all at the same time. I certainly hold Smiley closer. I long for a time when people understand this condition and act on it, or at least admit they don't understand it.

I think about you a lot x

PS - I hope Bubbles fever has gone! Smiley's has!

Elizabeth said...

Oh sweetie, I had tears in my eyes reading this. Thank you for posting that beautiful photo of Elijah.