Love Thursday

I couldn't decide to blog about the ridiculous birthday story I still haven't spilled, or to write about how incredible waves of sadness washed over me as I passed Elijah's beach yesterday, which is something I do every time I drive an hour up the coast to go to work.

Then I checked in on Jen and remembered it was 'Love Thursday'. I don't like to be too committed to schedules you know, so don't expect any regularity on my part. But it did help clarify what I wanted to say today.

As Bubbles approaches his first birthday (!), he also approaches the oldest age Elijah ever reached (13mos,11days). Why is that significant? HellifIknow. They don't cover what is a 'normal' grief reaction in those damn baby books. But it is significant, as was the day I realized he had been gone longer than he was alive, and the days I should have been baking him cakes - those days were also significant. And the first time Bubbles sat up unassisted or said 'Mama', or reached some other milestone that Elijah never did - those were somehow connected to Elijah and also significant in a way for which I have yet to find the words.
I know that Bubbles is not Elijah, of course I do. And yet, for me, somehow these two baby experiences are undoubtedly linked. Should it be significant that right now Bubbles has bronchitis, the last Dx given to Elijah before he died? Well, if making your mama more worried and slightly crazier than her usual jello-solid self counts as significant, then the answer is YES! Overwhelmingly, HELLYES! And usually, when I pass Elijah's beach on my way to sing happy music, Bubbles is in the car with me and I tell him, "This is Elijah's beach. Elijah was your brother. Hi, Elijah!" (the 'Hi' part is what Supergirl always says. I stole it).
So yesterday when Bubbles stayed home sick with dh, it felt a little a lot more lonely driving by Elijah's beach.
We knew when we decided to have another baby that part of the reason was because we had so much love for another child in our family, and my arms were too empty. Which is exactly what I would tell any asshat who ventured into the 'don't try and replace a baby' territory after Elijah died.
Well what I am bumbling around trying to say, is that, much in the same way as when you expand your family with another child and your love grows exponentially to accommodate that child, that growth never ever shrinks. So when Bubbles was born, my arms were again filled with baby, and my heart grew again to fit in all the swelling love I have for him.
And the emptiness that sometimes overwhelms me, the emptiness that resides in the stretched-out space of my heart that grew when Elijah was born....what it really is, is love. Because that love will never go away, and I am coming to understand that.

I love you, Elijah.

Forever is such a long time.