Thursday, March 26, 2009

There is nothing poetic about dead baby anniversaries


You would think that I would just get it by now, not have any expectation, and reduce potential for being pissed.
But no, here we still are for some reason, and I'm pissed.

I ask for nothing, or so very little. Yet I am wrung out.

For just a few days out of the year, just a few predictable days, I only wish (not even ask) that he could think of someone but himself. To have the kindness to set aside some resources and time to weather the storm with me. To not pretend to maintain his well honed water treading yet try and drown me should I come swimming by.

There is so much wrong, not the least being that the glue that adheres us to one another is made of a dead baby. A dead baby who won't have another birthday on March 31st.

But instead of my wish, what I get is illusion, oppression, and a person who walks into a room to rip a childrens rainbow off the wall just because it is there.

I swim alone, because I can't risk drowning. And I close my eyes, because I can't watch.

I know this is incredibly depressing. Maybe after reading this you will forgive me for the Happy Dead Baby Cake post which is in my head and surely to worm its way out.


Shea's Mom said...

Oh Gwendomama,

How sad and lonely. I wish I could help. Everyone grieves differently. Not that it excuses the insensitivity but explains it a bit?

Hang in there. Your star may feel blocked but its just been dimmed. Perhaps you will never get to have that bright twinkle again but you will shine again.

Love and hugs from a far.

Leightongirl said...

And no, it's not fair. Not. Fair.

Lunasea said...

Aw, man, that's just not right. You need someone who will support you, not make it harder. I'm sorry.

Hey You said...

I rarely comment but check your site everyday....Gwendomama, why are you torturing yourself and your kids like this by staying? It is better to be a statistic then spend the next forty years of your life chained to someone who is not equipped to be your mate.

Prayer may not be your scene, and that is cool so just know I am sending good thoughts your way.

Lynnbug said...

Im so sorry! I dont have words to say except that I am sending the best thoughts I can your way.


Rachel Inbar said...

Does he understand what he's doing? Are you able to communicate? This sounds really awful...

Denise said...

I am not one to give you advice, especially given that I stuck it out and lived a lie for so many years, before I came to my senses and got the fuck out. But all I have to say is this and it has become my mantra. "Life is too short to be unhappy". Love you.

Anonymous said...

Save yourself. Because they are how we as mother's calibrate everything, take Supergirl, Bubbles and Elijah (yes, because he will always be forever real) to higher ground. Leave R. below to figure it out, which we know he likely won't, or he would have by now. He just doesn't have the tools, and likely never will.

Staying miserable will not help him find the tools. Use your own tolls and save yourself and your family. In 20 years you will ALL be grateful that you did.


Governor Jen said...

Thinking of you today... May you find a small bit of peace in something good.

Anonymous said...

Hi - I know this post is a few weeks old, I just stumbled on it now. I don't often comment, but I really feel compelled to after reading this.
My husband's parents lost a son before my husband was born. He was 2.5 and died of leukemia. My FIL buried that grief and deep. He rarely talked about it, took no time off work and instead embarked on a 35 year campaign of harassment of his wife and oldest daughter. It has been horrible to watch for the fifteen years that I have been part of his family. I can't tell you the number of times i looked at my MIL and thought: "Never. I would never live like this. I would never allow my life to be dominated by someone else's negativity and bullshit like this."
My FIL has had angina for years and two bypass surgeries. He was ten years older than her, and we all assumed she would outlive him, and someday get the peace and quiet she so much deserved, might someday get to live her life without conflict, enjoy her remaining children and her grandchildren.
Last June, she had knee-replacement surgery, something she desperately needed due to terrible arthritis. (Her husband, incidently, had always belittled her symptoms and his chief concern when she went into the hospital was who might be cooking for him)Two days after the surgery her lungs filled up with fluid and her heart rate plunged. She was put on a ventilator, the doctors tried everything, but she died two weeks later - three weeks before the birth of her second grandson. She was 59.
I know your situation isn't exactly the same, but I watched this woman, who I loved very much, live in a compromised, negative angry environment for so long. I watched her overlook her own health concerns for those of her husband's and children. Her marriage had eroded her self-esteem so badly that I think she had stopped trying to feel good: physically or emotionally. And now I am so angry about all that she will miss.
My husband and his sister, furthermore, and now left with a surviving parent who they love, yes, but who they also judge and resent for what he did to their mother. I can't help but think that had they split up years ago, their children would have a more positive view of each of them. Their relationships with their father might have been stronger. And there might not be so much anger and resentment now.
Just my story. I hope you are able to consider all your options and I'm wishing you and your kids all the best.