Friday, March 20, 2009

This Drama is Brought to You by My Girlie Bits

Let's just start with some simple facts today. You can put them together in a story however you wish.

  • This time of year is always, in some form, anxiety-provoking for Gwendomama. This is in contrast to me the rest of the time; though some would consider me high-strung, there isn't too much that rattles me to the core. Other than this time of year sometimes, I guess.
  • I almost always put off going to the doctor for anything, unless it is for my children, and this is compounded by my high pain threshold.
  • I do not have a companion who shows his concern for me through outward gestures. Or emotional displays of support. Left to my own devices, I am capable of taking a weak moment and turning it into impending doom.
  • I do have a companion who believes that all illness and pain is caused by stress and/or weakness.
  • I have spent the past three weeks worrying about my symptoms, which are the exact same symptoms of ovarian cancer. Oh DAMN YOU, Dr. Google! In case you didn't know, ovarian cancer is known as a 'silent killer' because of its vague symptoms.
  • It has been four months since I had a period. Oh shuddup, who wouldn't feel like they were having a secret vacation (for the first two....)?
  • No, I am not pregnant. I know how to pee on a stick.
  • I was told I would have to wait over a month for an appointment at Women's Health Center, where the cost would be minimal. (Cooter card)
  • Of course my symptoms became worse. Waiting is not my strength. But, not being a wussy, I did recognize that I was having real pain. On my freaking ovaries. And it wasn't going away by my sheer will alone.
  • I read too many pieces of misinformation about non-cancerous ovarian cysts not causing any pain or symptoms.
  • I convinced myself that I could only have one thing: Terminal Cancer.
  • Who the fuck isn't afraid of that? But I cried myself awake each insomnia-filled night with pain and the impending doom that would befall my children. Surely Supergirl's childhood didn't deserve to include the loss both a brother and mother?
  • When I completely break down, I will then sometimes ask for a favor.
  • I asked Ob-Gyn friend (from other office in other town) to HELP me PLEASE because I could not wait another 2 weeks for the appointment which would be covered.
  • She, being about 62% saintly, offered to squeeze me in (past billing) on a busy day to monkey wand me and check it all out.
  • I freaked out some more, having convinced myself that I have cancer, and sure that I am about to find out some horrible prognosis.
  • Maybe if I would spend some more time reading the blogs of PEOPLE I KNOW and less time reading DR. GOOGLE I would have had an easier time....
  • The BOS proved herself to be a great friend yet again, by not only driving three hours (each way!) to accompany me to my monkey wand appointment, but also by asking Ob-Gyn friend distracting questions such as, "So, I was do you spell pus-y? I mean it can't be p-u-s-s-y, because that just isn't right." I wouldn't concentrate so much on the condom-covered camera getting all friendly with my ovaries.
  • My parts look almost good but not quite.
  • My ovaries appear to be the host to some cysts who are ornery and causing me grief and pain.
  • Apparently, non-cancerous cysts CAN cause pain.
  • I think anything foreign on my ovaries sounds painful.
  • We do not know for sure that everything is okay.
  • I need another, higher-resolution ultrasound (hopefully the tech won't ask me to umm....'put it in myself' because in that case I may just bring dh) (awkward).
  • BUT the cysts appeared (on the low-res ultrasound) to be simple, which is better than complex.
  • This does not necessarily explain the hormonal imbalance, but the battery of blood tests ordered yesterday should help shed some light on that mystery.
  • Hormone therapy and/ or laparascopy if the cysts are benign.
  • So much to look forward to.....
  • I think I need an annual springtime prescription to Ativan.


Shea's Mom said...

Wow, that is a hell of an update. Frightening. But, I am glad you went in and are not stressing about it at home.

I am feeling really guilty. I haven't had a pelvic for years and there is just no excuse for that.

I am thinking about you. Take care.

MFA Mama said...

My offer to donate all of that CURLY hair stands good.


Glad you don't need it though :)

Tricia said...

This is god though- this is good! keep that frame of mind and take lots of pain killers...

Anonymous said...

Welcome to peri-menopause! It's hard to accept the strange things our bodies will do to us as the hormones change and the child bearing door starts closing...

My guess is that your estradiol will be very high and your FSH very low. The cysts will pop, but more may take their place. It does hurt, I went through it. Going on a low dose BC pill helped IMMENSELY regulating the hormones that were causing the havoc. Good luck. Laura

Mama Deb said...

Dude...I have the SAME. THING! We will converse about it all soon.

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Lordy. I know that fear...

I had 2 huge dermoid cysts on my ovaries about 4 years ago. (dermoids cysts have hair and teeth and weird non-baby things growing in them which is DISGUSTING and weird and really dangerous if they burst. FUN!)

I freaked the frack out. Needed surgery because I DIDN'T go in on time, and they were too enormous to remove by non-invasive means.

My point? I'm hoping your cysts are exactly what they appear to be and that their removal is simple and easy and that you get through this time of the year...

Anne said...

When I first saw the doctor who eventually diagnosed severe endometriosis, and some huge endometriomas (cysts) on my ovaries, she said that cancer was more likely to not have pain as a symptom than something more benign, which reassured me.

I think most cysts are non-cancerous. I hope all becomes ok soon.

gwendomama said...

Oh I PROMISE you the PAUSE is in the mix - I should have given it its own bullet point, really.
But that symptom was isolated and rather abrupt for a typical course of menopause.
I've been peri-everything else, now it's peri-pause!

Lunasea said...

It's much better to ask people to diagnose you on your blog than to consult Dr. Google. BELIEVE ME. I could've told you benign cysts hurt like a m*therf*cker.

Also, I diagnose myself with cancer every other week.

Squid said...

Standing offer: you and kids come here for family sleepover, we will distract you with crazy food and crazy booze and crazy good company for at least 24 hours, possibly more.

You are already on the right path; all we can do is offer support and distractions and empathy.

Cindy said...

Oh, hell. What a drag. Thank goodness for the BOS. Glad to hear you are taking care of business.

Anonymous said...

You write: "I do not have a companion who shows his concern for me through outward gestures. Or emotional displays of support.
# I do have a companion who believes that all illness and pain is caused by stress and/or weakness." OUCH!!! After what you have been through!!!!????

Why do you stay with this companion? I wish you the strength this Spring to push out and up.

"And the day came when the pain of remaining in a tight bud was greater than the courage it took to bloom."
Anais Nin

Bloom, Gwendomama. You seem deserving of so much more.

Susan Townsend in PDX

Denise said...

Aww thinking of you. I think everything will be fine. If I lived closer I would have driven you.

Deb on the Rocks said...

Not that cysts are a Picnic, but that's a fucking relief. I do the same thing about waiting too long for the doctor. We have to get better about that.

Be sweet to you.

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