Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Trying So Hard to Wrap My Brain Around This...

He used all our household funds to bail himself out. He told me he had paid the rent and he had not. He told me he had paid the utilities for months: Lies.

So, he used all that money for bail and now wonders why I would do this to our family. How I could have done this.
I suppose his story starts with when I reported it.
It's all my fault the family is now broken up...because I reported it.
It's my fault that there is no money for rent...because I reported it.
He wonders how 'far I will take this'...because I reported it.

I reported it.

He hurt me, he scared me, he yelled "Someone should have done this to you a long time ago!" ...and I reported it.
I did. My son was there, he was scared. I could not breathe, I was scared.
I reported it.

In this state, the victim is often removed from the decision of whether or not to press charges, as I was. The DA's office read the police reports and decided to press charges.
Now I will be asked to tell a courtroom about the whole incident.

But apparently this all started when I reported it.

26 comments:

Lauri said...

I hope you don't believe any of his crap - this started when he planned to systematically remove any means that you had to support yourself and your children and take everything for himself. It was premeditated and thoroughly thought out. How sad that he is trying to make everyone believe that he is the victim here. That's what abusers do, though, they separate you from everything and then, over time, try to convince you that you are shit and deserve the treatment they dish out. He is an abuser, period...not just physically, but emotionally, financially, mentally, etc. You reported it to make it stop...he's deciding to take it to trial - so now you have the opportunity to finish it. There are consequences for what he has done...stand strong and tell everyone what he did. Your kids (all 3 of them) will thank you some day for stopping him.

Mama Deb said...

I'm so sorry I didn't get your message today. Bubbles is most welcome here next week (and, of course, anytime)
I still can't believe this is going to trial. I don't at all understand how he could possibly think that is a good idea. Grumble, grumble, curse, curse.

gwendomama said...

Lauri, Deb;

Why is it a good idea? Because if he can't change the outcome, he can make my life miserable in the interim.

Lauri said...

You can't change what he is going to do, only how you react to it...I didn't mean to imply that it is good you have to testify, because it isn't. But since you will be required to, you can show him that he won't get away with manipulating you anymore...you did nothing wrong and he may be hoping that you won't be strong enough to tell the truth. Maybe this is his latest attempt to humiliate you yet again by making you re-live what happened, hoping you won't be able to do it. Telling you that someone should have done that to you a long time ago says a lot about his character....Show him that you can stand up...

I hope I'm not upsetting you further - definitely not my intention....

MFA Mama said...

We've talked about the "Jilted Assholes' Handbook" they all seem to get hold of, perhaps while being booked at the jail, and I think falling behind on housing and utility payments before wilding out is one of the prerequisites for receiving a copy. I think there's someone from the Jilted Assholes' Association who screens them, maybe while they wait for their mugshots? "You hurt her? Uh huh. Told her it was her fault? Good. Did you lie about paying the rent or mortgage, and run up huge past-due utility bills? NO??? Not so fast, NO HANDBOOK FOR YOU!"

It's not REALLY funny, of course. But laughter beats tears in my book any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Linda said...

Such typical behaviour of a bully. He feels like the victim?

Women and children are killed all the time because they do not "report" it.

I'm sorry you have to testify, but do so as if your life depends on it. Your daughter and son will stand proud some day knowing you fought back.

Hugs

shameismymiddlename said...

We are going to get you through this, you know we will. Remember, you are not on trial and did nothing wrong. I am prepared to testify that you were absolutely calm when you left here to go home. You were ambushed, and nothing less. Stay strong and remember all of the love and support that surrounds you, now and always.

Cindy said...

You know, something that's been picking at my brain . . . You say that he hadn't paid the utility bills in months. What--was he saving up for bail ahead of time?? WTF?

Lunasea said...

I don't know all the backstory here, but it seems like some sort of bullying has been going on for a long time. The only advice I can give is keep your anger (for a while) - he's on trial, you're not (although I know it feels that way).
Anger has more energy than shame. Yes, you reported it because he fucking tried to kill you in front of your son. He drained the accounts without regard for your children. He's a selfish bastard and deserves to be on trial. He wants you to detail his assholiness? Bring it on, bastard.

Lunasea said...

Also, I'm trying to find an old therapist friend of mine in SJ who specializes in DV. I'll send you an e-mail when I find her.

Marilyn said...

HI-so sorry you've gone through all this-I knew from your Facebook entries that it was bad, but not that it was THIS bad... Anyway, wanted to let you know privately that if you ever need a "safe haven" for you or you and kids, come at any time. The person you are concerned about doesn't know my address or even that we are connected. ANd as others have said here, when you are at court-YOU are NOT on trial-he is. Stand strong. Love,Marilyn

shameismymiddlename said...

I'll be there right after drop-off in the am. try to sleep, love you so.

Lynnbug said...

Im sorry you are going through this. But everyone is right--this is typical abuser behaviour. Just remember that. And hold your head up high when you go to court. Dont be intimidated by him--that is what he wants. You WILL get through it. I have been reading you long enough to know what a strong woman and wonderful mother you are. And whether or not you realize it--it scares him.

Magpie said...

I thinking of you. Good luck next week.

Anna said...

Three years ago I, too, was denied choice in pressing charges, because I reported it. I begged them not to, because I was still afraid. But it was the right thing then, and I believe it is for you now, too. You have people behind you: you can do this.

Redneck Mommy said...

OH Gwen.
I'm so sorry you had to live through that and will have to heal these wounds.

You are one of the strongest people I have encountered online. You have my greatest admiration for standing up for yourself.

Good luck.

Danielle-lee said...

I don't know you, have never read your blog, but saw the Tweets going around about helping you out.
My dear....PLEASE stop blaming yourself. You are letting him get into your head-HE is blaming you, so YOU are blaming you.
This is typical abuser behavior, always turning it around on the victim. Please, please, PLEASE, let the criminal justice system deal with him. Please, keep you and your kiddo safe. Go find someone to talk to that has been through this, or is trained in dealing with domestic violence.
You are the victim, but you are STRONG and RIGHT for reporting.
*hugs to you*

Britni TheVadgeWig said...

First of all, you are not a victim. YOU ARE A SURVIVOR. Second of all, you hit the nail on the head with this comment: Why is it a good idea? Because if he can't change the outcome, he can make my life miserable in the interim.Abuse is about power and control. And once a woman has left her abuser, he feels his power and control over her slipping away. So he uses the court system, the children, stalking, and things like that to try to maintain some form of control. To intimidate you into not leaving.

You are an amazing woman. Your strength is an inspiration to so many others. I am so sorry for what you are going through, and I wish that this never happened to anyone. Unfortunately, as a therapist at a domestic violence center, it's something that I hear about all too often. But it's women like you, that have the courage to leave and the courage to fight, that make all the difference.

Hugs.

ktpupp said...

I don't know you, either, but I am offering you a huge hug... So sorry you are going through this.

I can't fix things for you but I want you to know you are not alone. You are strong and will make it through this. Don't lose hope, there are many of us out here pulling for ya!

-=kt=-

Mr Lady said...

I used all my rent to bail mine out once. And I blame myself for not letting him sit there and rot.

I guess my point is that you can't blame yourself, dude. All you can do is what you think is right, and pressing charges? ALWAYS right.

I'm proud of you.

Jennifer said...

Have heard of you through the adventures of leelo and his potty mouthed mom. Am sorry to hear of your situation, but go with your instincts through this hard time, you ARE strong, and lots of people are pulling for you!

Joan said...

You are wonderful. Please don't listen to the poison he is spewing. You didn't break your family. He did. Now you're fixing it. You will be a fixed family. Hang in there.

Jess said...

I don't know you, but I know people who do, and a friend of theirs is a friend of mine. I just wanted to drop in and add one more voice to the chorus of support. My mom went through something similar. Its a hard journey.

I also wanted to reply to this:

"Women and children are killed all the time because they do not "report" it."

Women and children are killed all the time because of the people who commit violence against them. They are killed and injured because there are terrible, manipulative, violent people in this world. Not because they didn't report it. (Which is to say, reporting is a personal choice, and that all the blame for these sorts of attacks? Belongs on the attacker.)

Erin Erlinger said...

The way an abuser works is to make you believe you deserve this...its all your fault......

Its not your fault EVER. Physical violence is is NEVER the fault of the person that got hit.....nothing you say or do should EVER EVER makes someone hit you (unless its bdsm play and thats another story entirely :P) its not your fault...he deserves it...

I went through the say thing in college (minus the kids) Call your landlord, they will understand...you DO have a trail and police report to prove it....call a battered womens shelter...they have people on staff that specialize in helping women like you deal with the emotional and often financial issues that follow after a DV episode...i know in the town i lived in (columbia, MO) a landlord COULDNT throw you out for 90 days after a reported dv issue. I was also able to get out of my lease and move somewhere safer without paying penalties...

anyway, keep your head up and remember you are better off without an abuser...you CANT change him, and its not safe for you or your kids.....and it will only get worse if u stay i promise (trust me i have scars on my face because i didnt leave for 3 years...it just got worse and worse)

Rachel Inbar said...

Erin is right. This is exactly how abusers work. My ex even did this to my son recently (told my son that he was destroying his career by reporting his violence to the police)... My son was 12.

Listen to all the good people around you and know that no matter what, he is responsible for his actions.

office said...

The Tax Return Crack-Up<4>
Realizing he might have dug himself in there,Microsoft Office 2010the general emphasized that Office 2010he had spent some time as a junior Office 2007officer working "very closely Microsoft Officewith the Israeli air force" and that heMicrosoft Office 2007had found that "more cosmopolitan,Office 2007 key liberal version of the Israeli population" Office 2007 downloadto be just chock full Office 2007 Professionalof that sort of "goodwill" necessary Windows 7to give a bunch of land back Microsoft outlook 2010to the Palestinians.