Tuesday, May 19, 2009

What Happened?

I take a risk in not hiding. But the internet has held me up, and I owe you my truth.


We were fighting.
Verbally fighting.

I could tell you the gory details of what it was about, but the more I look at it, the less relevant it becomes. I will not subjectively share our disputes with the world. I will, however, tell only the facts.
In a nutshell, there was a fight about my work hours and the issue of someone perhaps needing to work more hours than he was working.
In a nutshell, the SIL threw a little tantrum about leaving early b/c we were fighting. Fair enough if it is all kept to adults. But it wasn't, and Supergirl was distressed about this (untrue) news. I finally told the SIL to stop fucking with my kid's emotions and feel free to leave or not, as she was an adult. But make a choice.

Apparently this combination of arguing and taking a stand had an effect on the SIL that rendered her a traitor to all womankind helpless.

The verbal argument degraded.
There was shouting. There were swear words. There was shouting over one another, there was not listening.
I removed myself from the argument; from the unsolvable situation.
I walked away from them.

There was a physical rush. He and his sister rushed me. He grabbed me from behind, crossing my arms behind my back and pulling them up towards my neck.
"STOP!!!!! STOP!!! YOU ARE HURTING ME CALL 911 HELP STOP IT!!!"

She then yelled, "You want to fight? GO ON, FIGHT!!"

He yelled, "WE ARE HAVING AN INTERVENTION HERE. YOU ARE BEING INTERVENED. YOU ARE CRAZY YOU ARE HORMONALLY IMBALANCED YOU ARE CRAZY!!!"
(remember the ovarian cysts? well, not exactly hormonally imbalanced, as the bloodwork results clearly showed...but nice to know any physical ailment will be held against me!)

Bubbles came into the scene right about here.
"STOP DADDY!!! STOP STOP DADDEEEEEEE!!!"

"LET GO OF ME LET GO CALL 911. YOU ARE BREAKING MY ARMS HELP LET GO!!! CALL 911!"

And Auntie watched. Watched Bubbles watch. Didn't call 911.

"DADDY STOP! DADDY STOP! STOP DADDY!!!"

"CALL 911!!"

The shouting went on in my ear. The screaming went on out of my mouth. Finally he released me or I broke away- I am not sure - and I spun around in flailing mode, hand outstretched and caught him on the chin and barely the left cheek.
"Don't you EVER EVER restrain me AGAIN!!" I screamed at him. I bolted for the door and the children.
Then I was tackled.
"SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS TO YOU A LONG TIME AGO" he screamed in my ear. Then he folded my arms behind my back again but higher.
He put me in full nelson.
Then folded my chin into my chest, doubling me forward towards the tile floor.
I didn't know until then that you could choke someone without putting your hands around their neck.
"I CANNOT BREAAAATHE!!!!!!!!" I shouted to his sister, the phone was right next to her and I didn't see her move.

"I CAN NOt breathe..."
I said but I had no voice left and she picked up my son and left with him. Without the phone.

I didn't know if she was finally getting it that my son should not be involved or that she was removing him from witnessing something worse. He wasn't letting go and she finally took him out...I was pretty sure that was...the end.

He dropped me on the floor and stomped away. When I could get up, I ran for the children and packed them into the car.
We fled from the crazy.

Then I called the police. They called back to interview me a while later, but my children were traumatized from the event so I asked if I could come to the station myself to give the statement without them.
It was late; they suggested I come the next morning if I was in a safe place.

That morning I received an email from him, saying that he and his sister had packed a bag for the kids and me and had stashed it at the top of the driveway for me to retrieve. I told him he needed to leave.
He said he needed to off himself. With a bullet.
I had heard this too many times before.

On that Easter morning I gave my statement in a too-bright room to a very nice cop dude.
I cried a lot.
I took off my shirt and stood in a tank top against a white board so he could photograph the bruises on my arms.


I have heard he feels terrible. He 'knows' it is wrong to physically dominate someone, BUT he was 'only trying to get me to stop'.
There is always, a 'but' involved in his mea culpa.



As my firefighter friend says, "There is only one way to get someone to stop yelling, and that is to choke them to death."



We are okay. We have a lot of support, and we are all going to be okay. Even he will be, someday.

39 comments:

The Redheaded Lefty said...

Goddamn. Good for you for getting it out and getting out. When you're able, therapy? For you and the kids? Lots of it and with someone GOOD. Let him worry about himself. And the SIL? I shudder.

Which Box said...

I have no words. I think it is a good thing you are standing up for yourself and your children. And I am terribly, terribly sorry.

Hey You said...

I...I...I think the SIL (I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS GWENDOMAMA'S EX_SIL) needs to be in therapy her self. HOW DARE SHE! Him? We all know is apparently a douche, but her too? What are their parents like? I just keep thinking about the time you posted about how he HAD to watch the sun set each night. You gave him a lot longer than he deserved to get his shit together, so sorry that this had to be the catalyst to get you out. You remain in my thoughts (prayers.) and please let us know if you need anything else that I can send through paypal....
Oh, and if you do decide to go private again, please add me to whatever I need to be on, so I can keep on reading.

Jen said...

Hi,

I just wanted to de-lurk and say Hi. I have read most if not all of your archives over the last few days and didn't want you to think I was a stalker if you noticed. :) But I am sure that you have much more important things on your mind.

Love your blog, and have really loved reading about your 3 beautiful children.

Sorry you are going through such a rough time, and I hope things get better very soon!

Joan said...

I've been thinking of you so much lately. I'll keep you and your family in my heart and prayers.

Tricia said...

Fucker.

I'd be scared all the time. and. mad. really. really. mad.

Sending you peace. Sending you strength.

Sophie said...

Only trying to get you to stop? What the fuck is that business? He had no right to put his hands on you like that. You're allowed to walk away.

Sounds like people have been making excuses for him for so long that he has a very distorted view of the world. That's not your fault.

SIL, you're messed up. Loving your brother is no excuse for allowing him to hurt someone else. Real love is about stepping up and telling him he's in the wrong. Real love is calling the police before he kills someone. You are fucking lucky she's not dead. He needs help and he wont get it if you keep making him think he's done nothing wrong.

Keep your chin up Gwen, you'll be okay.

Elissa said...

Oh, I'm sending you all the love I have at the moment. What a terrible experience for all of you. Those people certainly do have issues. I hope that they get help with that.

I've only been reading your blog for a few months now, but I think you're an amazing strong lovely woman, and I'm sure that you'll do well for your kids and yourself. Please keep writing if you can, because we all want to see that happen and share it with you.

Love and hugs :)

Suki said...

There are just so many things that piss me off about this. One is based purely on conjecture, but I am guessing that this was the same SIL who tried to defend her brother after he was woefully neglegent and cavalier about your safety in the issue with your tires. What does her brother have to do before she stops defending him and making excuses? Someone brought up Scott Peterson and his excuse-making family in that comment thread, and hearing about your SIL's involvement in this situation just makes me that much more thankful that you got out.

I also call bullshit on his "hormonally imbalanced" claim- what century are we in when women's concerns (and very safety) are being dismissed with claims about our "inherent" weakness as women with, gasp, hormones?

I am so, so sorry you and your children are having to deal with this. They are very lucky to have you as their mother.

Anonymous said...

I'm new to your blog... sent by the larger community. and reading this makes me...ill (physically ill), angry (really G D angry) and so so sad for your babies. you are so strong. so admirable. I'm so in awe of you.

Rachel Inbar said...

I am so sorry. That he didn't off himself, that is... and of course that he is such slime. Is he getting a psych evaluation? Maybe someone can put him on meds so your kids will never again be exposed to his craziness.

Jill said...

No woman should have to endure this, and no CHILD should have to witness it. This makes me so angry and physically ill. I'm so happy that you got out of that situation.

I just found your blog not too long ago, but I'm really invested in your story. Stay strong. My prayers are with you and your children.

kateohkatie said...

Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so angry on your behalf, I feel physically ill. What he did to you, to Supergirl and Bubbles. It's horrible. I have no other words.

Headless Mom said...

Stay strong, Love, if only to piss him off and protect your kids. You're being surrounded by a virtual army here, lifting you on our shoulders. You can be weak with us. We love you!

Miss Grace said...

Love you.

And, apropos of nothing, I like your new header.

carrie said...

I am also angry on your behalf. You are an incredibly strong woman, and all you can do now is protect yourself and your kids, be very very kind to yourself, and hang in there. I don't even know you and this is the first time I've come over (from L&F) and I wish I could give you a giant hug.

Anonymous said...

I so hope you are going to divorce this loser, take the kids and never let that scumbag SIL see those kids again. She is as guilty as he is. If you are reading this SIL, you are one sick, twisted bitch!

RoseRedHoofbeats said...

If my brother ever tried to choke his wife in front of me, IN FRONT OF MY NEPHEW, I'd bite his goddamn nuts off.

I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. I hope that the custody hearings and everything goes well, and I hope you can Bubbles and Supergirl get the help you need.

I'm going to be in Sacrament the last two weeks of August. If you wanna hang out, lemme know. =)

Magpie said...

You are brave and strong and wonderful, and those two are nutso. And mean.

laughingatchaos said...

Oh my hell. I can't imagine. There is a special place in hell for people like that. I'm so sorry you've gone through this, and hope that things go so that he never, EVER can hurt another person. My blessings to you, hon.

flutter said...

may he choke on his own foul acts. May she choke on hers.

fairymama said...

Oh Mama. Words escape me. I'm so very sorry for what he's done to you and the kids. Be strong, we all know you are. I wish you all peace.

Lauri said...

So sorry to hear how this horrible thing happened....SIL needs to think long and hard about letting that happen. Letting your children see was not a decision she had the right to make. He doesn't feel bad about what he did, only that he got caught and you reported it. The "but" always means they think they're justified....damn him and damn her...

You are a supermama and will come through this somehow.

sarah said...

you did the right thing by calling and reporting it.
it's not your fault.
hang in there.

mamadaisy said...

I'm sorry you have to go through this -- especially with the father of your children. such betrayal...

stay strong.

Anonymous said...

I was an abuser. No quotes around that word because it is what it is. To what extent is irrelevant, I won't justify myself here by saying it was only this or I never did that. It is what it is.

That "but" word is just what Lauri said it was; self-justification. I've used it and it is bullshit, it is a weak-ass lame excuse to justify one's violent actions. What he and his sister did to you AND YOUR SON was completely fucked up and cowardly. I've been there, I know.

gwendomama said...

Dear Anon;

That was the least cowardly comment I have ever seen posted.
Thank you for that.
Thank you so very much.
Thank you so much that I have come out of my funk to even write this.
Thank you.

m said...

I feel sick. I've never been in any situation even resembling that, but I just.. I feel sick.

Events like this never go away, but with effort, this will become a part of you as you grow. Gwen, thank you for your courage. And Anon, thank you for your honesty.

April said...

I read this and I cried out of sadness and anger.

SIL? She is far worse than your husband in my opinion. She is the lowest, piece of shit, scumbag, sorry excuse for a human being. She doesn't deserve to breathe the clean air. That was mean, but I'm so angry right now and it's how I feel.

It must've taken a lot for you to share that story, and I admire you for it. Please stay strong and I promise one day it will be better. In the meantime, look at all the money people have donated to you!! That's SO AMAZING!

Anonymous said...

Wow. SIL didn't just sit by and do nothing. She ENCOURAGED it. What a horrible bitch.

The fact that he says he wants to kill himself really scares me. Not for his sake. But for all of yours. Scary, selfish assholes like him tend to decide to do something more to the family before doing something to himself. Stay safe.

Kris said...

I am so sorry that you have all been through this.

The internet at large is thinking of you & sending good vibes your way.

Lunasea said...

I'm so sad for you and the kids. But I'm also glad you're out of that and staying out of that. Whatever comes from here, it's got to be better than what you left behind.

Heather said...

I think of you often Gwendomama and hope you are well. If there is anything I can do for you from out here in Maryland please do not hesitate to ask. Heather

Jess said...

Dear Gwendomama,

The universe is a strange and sometimes terrible place. I thank you for writing about this. I thank you for overcoming the fear of censorship. Because there are many out there that need to hear this. Including me. I am lucky in that I recognized (with a lot of help from the good folks at the hospital) that my guy is not okay. He is not okay in and of himself. And he is definitely not okay with me. I didn't recognize the manipulation for what it was at first (ie, the bullet story is eerily familiar). But I am glad to see that leaving is exactly the right decision for me. It is right. And he will be okay. And I will be okay. And with your help, it didn't have to come to the point of violence. So to you my friend, a giant thank you.

Lex said...

Sending you support and strength. You've been in my thoughts. xoxo
Lex - @laprimera

Brigit said...

I lived through something similar as a kid. When my mom finally got out she, my little sister, and I moved into grandma's spare bedroom for more than 5 years.

My dad's family blamed it (in front of me) on mom being "weak" and made dad out to be a victim. Although I'm very close to that side of my family I still resent them for being assholes.

I am very grateful that my mom had the courage to get out with us. PEACE and stability are worth a lot more than all the things left behind.

skyesofblue said...

OMG what a story, please know that I care.

Anne said...

love from London. I read often and comment hardly ever.

Anonymous said...

I am sending some warm fuzzes your way sister. I know things will get better. Your courage is amazing. I can't believe this man, a full nelson is illegal in high school wrestling (yep, coaches wife)...that was just lower than low.