Saturday, May 30, 2009

What was slipping away...

I replay what happened; sometimes the memory pops into my vision and plays involuntarily, sometimes I choose to review it.

I am drawn to recall a certain moment again and again. There was so much that happened in that moment; so much that could have possibly changed the outcome, for better or worse. That moment still looms like a suspended bubble in my mind, yet that moment is what actually brought the anvil down. It changed everything for me; or maybe it didn't. I will never know, because it happened so fast.
But I guess it might have gone differently if, in that split second, a different decision had been made. I guess I might have been able to forgive. And I wonder then if that would have been the right thing to do as well...because I would have been waiting for the next time.

He had me in a headlock, he was hurting me and scaring me, and I was screaming for help and fighting desperately to get away.
His sister wouldn't help, and I was feeling more frightened...it was as if she was waiting for something else to happen.
In that moment that he decided to let go, or I wrenched free (I will never know), in that moment that it took me to swing around and launch a pathetic smack at him, in the moment it took me to try and defend myself by telling him to NEVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN, EVER, and in that moment that I then ran for the door to run away, and then....
...in that moment that he then took me down again, harder this time and more angrily, while charging himself with the crime of not having done this to me sooner.....
...in that moment where he then folded me to the floor like a straw...
...in that moment that he heard me lose air and my voice....

...choices were made.

A conscious choice was made to...do it again.
It might have gone differently.
Perhaps not, as it happened so fast. But I wonder.

In that moment, all that was difficult between us then became impossible.
What was worth saving, became no longer worth the risk.
What was once speculative, then became in-my-face-true.
What was somewhat scary, then became terrifying.

What was slipping away, fell like a stone.

He made a choice, in a split second.
He made it twice.

I have choices about my future. I get to make choices about my boundaries and I need to make choices for my safety. I get to decide these things.

Now if only I could get someone else's head out of his [expletive removed] faraway planet, we would all be moving forward, really. Not just pretending.

11 comments:

maplesyrup said...

Hi Gwendolynn,
I haven't ever commented on your blog before, but I have been reading it for over a year. I live in SLV too and i see you around town often, the park, New Leaf, ect. I just wanted to let you know that I have been sending as much positive energy as I can to you. To you, Supergirl, and Bubbles. Please, continue to trust yourself, you are doing what is right.
Much love,
~Amber

skyesofblue said...

Now you know, you know for sure and there will be no turning back, no questions asked, no what ifs!
Stay safe, stay strong and keep your guard up.

Lauri said...

This is what they do - the abusers - they make the choice to be a coward and continue to hurt, to degrade, to overpower, when the truly brave thing would be to stop pretending that it won't happen again...you can't pull his head out of his ass, but you can choose to move forward without waiting for him to decide what's best for you - you already know...it's great to see you making that journey....you are the brave one...your children are so lucky to have you..

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

No. There cannot be any turning back from that. His attack was deliberate, prolonged and incredibly frightening. I'm so glad you made it out alive...

Frogdancer said...

Stick to it.

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

Love you babe.

You are incredible.

Strong and amazing.

Believe it.

furiousBall said...

yep, keep on it. you're doing it right.

becomingwhole said...

You are amazing and you inspire me.

Please keep telling your story and getting it out.

I'm so glad you got out.

mamalion said...

Gwendomama,

I've clicked through to your blog a few times through BlogHer, and I've been following your story off and on. I'm so sorry all of this has happened to you.
I had a little jolt when I read Amber's comment, because I too live locally and I've taught at your kids' school. You suddenly turned from someone I read on the internet into a member of my community. It wasn't that you weren't a real person before; you're just a little more real now.
I wish you all the strength you need to get through all of this...

Anne said...

I feel so sad for you, and also so impressed. Your kids have an awesome mother.

office said...

The Tax Return Crack-Up<4>
Realizing he might have dug himself in there,Microsoft Office 2010the general emphasized that Office 2010he had spent some time as a junior Office 2007officer working "very closely Microsoft Officewith the Israeli air force" and that heMicrosoft Office 2007had found that "more cosmopolitan,Office 2007 key liberal version of the Israeli population" Office 2007 downloadto be just chock full Office 2007 Professionalof that sort of "goodwill" necessary Windows 7to give a bunch of land back Microsoft outlook 2010to the Palestinians.