Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Eight Hours of Bliss

I found the journal. It is full of loosely-strung-together details of antepartum hospitalization, as told by someone on a lot of really bad drugs.

But in between the records of six weeks of hospitalization and the following year of sporadic entries about more doctors and more hospitals and the mysteries that would surround his life...were eight precious hours recorded. I probably intended to send it out as the birth announcement after dh brought us home the next day. Ignorance is bliss.

There was a birth, and then...for me, the most wonderful eight hours of Elijah's life....the hours that held no worry, only dreams.

3/31/03 6:37 pm Baby Elijah is born!
After all this waiting, it all happened SO fast. And he was on my chest. He is
ABSOLUTELY beautiful. TONS of silvery thick blond hair - appears to have curls.
All cheeks, tiny rosebud mouth. 4lbs, 13oz. 15 3/4 inches -

9 pm, dh went to pick up Supergirl from C's and take her home, will bring
her to meet E tomorrow [I will never, ever, ever stop regretting 1.letting
him go, and 2. not allowing those blissfully ignorant hours to be shared with
our family - it's the constant deficit I have in my life of crystal ball

Elijah isn't very interested in nursing, and tires easily, which is
somewhat worrisome.

But overall he is doing VERY well....for a baby I thought I might never be
able to hold right away. [For weeks in pre-term labor, I was told I would
give birth to a preemie - AT ANY SECOND
He responds right away to my voice or Daddy's; loves touch and caress.
Everyone on the floor has come in to see his incredible hair. They say he looks
like an angel, but that makes me squirmy. He looks like a little

4/1/03 2 o'clock am and I am still so full of adrenaline I can't sleep.
What did they put in that pitocin? I am starving. Little E is asleep in my arms,
the night baby nurse checks him often - she also worked at my 'internment'
hospital...nice to see a familiar face.
I feel so much better than I did after giving birth the first time, even
though I was pissed about missing out on the spinal.

I cannot believe I made this boy. I did this. He is so incredibly
beautiful, tiny, perfect. I sniff him and I just about come undone with the
intoxication. I inhale him.
He is perfect.

[scrawled] 3 am Elijah admitted to the NICU down the hall -
pulse/ox dropping down to 85- looking blue around the lips, still not


Tracey said...

No words... just love for you...

Shannon and Carey said...

Love for you also.

nailgirl said...

Jumping on the love wagon babe! Again, for sharing Elijah with us.

Tricia said...

Do i imagine the intensity in his eyes? Beautiful Boy.

"They say he looks like an angel, but that makes me squirmy." uhm, wow?!

Anonymous said...

All my love and prayers from a loyal blog reader in Wi! Thank you for sharing your intermost feelings and thoughts of Elijah - he's absolutely breathtaking - and my heart just aches for all you've been through.