"These people are absolutely right. You messed up. And
you need to give their baby back to them right now."
Obviously, this was not going to happen, ever. Any reptilian brain knows that.
I know you think I am all saintly and altruistic, but really? So not. (muffle your snickers) Actually have very active part of self which is desperate for retaliation.
My son's doctor was genuine and kind. She was also overworked. She missed a detail in a surgical report. Hell, she missed the whole surgical report! She made a mistake. One that ultimately contributed to my son's death.
I know she felt awful -she came to the ER that morning, after he had died and she held us and cried with us. She felt awful that he was gone. She still had no idea of what had been missed, and neither did we at that point.
But still, I occasionally had dark times when I was in so much pain that I wanted to will more pain upon her, or at least to know that she was in some.
Sue my ass?
Scared the crap out of me and pissed me off. Not the person, I actually liked her a lot. But her words absolutely inhibited my blog, since I had decided to publicly share those raw thoughts in my writing, and I absolutely did not want to censor myself.
...and a time-line chronicling every doctor's visit or medical notability in his life which I had compiled from all of the medical records after he died. Looking over it, I remember how busy we were. And this doesn't even include his many, many ECI and therapy (OT, PT) appointments...(this may be a good time to point out that he had no less than 33 doctor appointments in his 57 and 1/2 -not that anyone's counting- weeks of life.)
1-23-03 to 3-7-03 Mother hospitalized for 'pre-term' labor;
on record doses of magnesium sulfate for duration.
3-31-03 Elijah's birth; Watsonville Hospital/ birth weight 4lbs13oz
4-2-03 transported to Dominican NICU for testing and TPN(IV nutrition)/tests include high resolution chromosome testing (normal) MRI brain scan (normal)
4-21-03 discharged from Dominican Hosp. NICU by Dr.V.,4-01-04 - Began HGH daily injections
4-23-03 dr. visit w/regular doctor (at SCMF) w/Dr.V.
weight check (WC) 5lbs 6.5oz
4-29-03 SCMF/WC 5lbs 9.9 oz
5-6-03 SCMF/WC 5lbs 10oz
5-13-03 SCMF/WC 6lbs .5oz
5-20-03 SCMF/WC 6lbs 2.6oz
6-3-03 SCMF/WC 6lbs 10oz/ feeding concerns
6-17-03 SCMF/WC 7lbs
6-19-03 Swallow study w/ Radiology – Reflux not detected
6-27-03 SCMF/WC nurse visit/no data recorded
7-25-03 SCMF/WC /more feeding concerns
8-8-03 SCMF/WC 7lbs 15oz/ developmental
8-28-03 Barium Swallow Study Radiology-LPCH – Occupational Therapy consultation (referred by Dr V.)
9-12-03 SCMF/WC 9lbs 15oz
9-13-03 Infant Development Clinic Hi-risk follow-up w/Dr K (referred by Dr V)
10-10-03 SCMF/ WC 10lbs5.4oz
10-20-03 LPCH Neurology appt w/Dr W (referred by Dr V) /TESTS ORDERED: bloodwork, incl test for MENKES SYNDROME (normal) and MRI of brain (12-1-03)
10-21-03 Urology Exam w/Dr K (referred by Dr V) /Dx: Bilateral
Undescended Testes, Surgery planned for Spring 04
10-23-03 LPCH/ Genetics consultation w/Dr.M. (referred by Dr V.)
Chromosome tests ordered (normal results)/No Dx
10-28-03 SCMF/WC 10lbs 6.1oz
11-18-03 Dr V visit/weight check (notes illegible)
11-25-03 SCMF/WC 10lbs 11.4oz
12-1-03 LPCH MRI of brain ordered by Dr W, Neurology (referred by Dr V)/ results cc’d to Dr V
12-9-03 Dr V visit/weight check (notes illegible)
12-16-03 SCMF/WC 11lbs 2.6oz /MRI at LPCH discussed over phone.
1-12-04 Follow up appt w/Dr W, Neurology/ Abnormal MRI but no Dx
1-15-04 Infant Development Clinic Hi-risk follow-up w/Dr I (referred by Dr V)
2-18-04 pre-op appt w/Dr K for UDT surgery
2-23-04 Surgery for bilateral undescended testes at LPCH– discovery of TRACHEOMALACIA by anesthesiologist & Dr. K, Urologist (referred by Dr V) p.41 of medical records.
2-26-04 Endocrinology appt w/Dr F, LPCH (referred by Dr V)/ growth hormone testing and eventual prescription for HGH
4-25-04 SCMF/WC 12lbs 1oz Follow up on UDT surgery/endocrine evaluation/3-25-05 meeting between mother and Dr V, in which Dr V. revealed that she wasnot aware of Elijah’s condition of tracheomalacia, never getting surgical report (2-23-04) from LPCH.
discussion of surgery results (incl tracheomalacia)/ follow up on letter sent to
Dr.V re: needing more attentive care & faster response to our concerns re: hispoor reaction to growth hormone treatments
5-9-04 SCMF/ emergency visit – fever, Dx:
bronchitis, expressed concerns about tracheomalacia and bronchitis/ asked
about admitting him to hospital/ Dr not concerned, sent home
5-10-04 Called SCMF with info that Elijah was doing worse/ call returned by Dr V’s nurse; Albuterol prescribed and administered
5-11-04 approx 2am, Elijah stopped breathing while
mother was on phone w/attending pediatrician/ 911 called, CPR administered by mother and EMT for more than 60 minutes, med-evac'd to nearest hospital Dominican/ pronounced DOA
March can be cruel. In the name of vaguely protecting the doctor who blew it with a human error, I have fed my own anger which manifests each year as fears of this season. A whole goddamned season.