Monday, March 31, 2008

Birthday Blues

So many words that have been strung together but not yet knotted. So much more to say.

The Bad:

Elijah's Beach was covered in a mountainous rotting kelp bed.

It really stunk. In more ways than one.

The Good:

The sky looked like this today:

And, the BOS was in town, and she made fun of the sky and called it 'angel wings' because she knows I think that is funny, and then posed with a crooked halo to prove it:

The Ugly:

Every year is different, with some things being constant.
Every year feels lonely.
Every year I wonder what kind of cake I would be baking for him.
Every year I wonder if next year I could maybe pretend today was like any other.

Because this? This is hard.

How ridiculous to get wrapped up in one day. How insane to give so much of one's sanity to a season.
How irrational to move through the day alternating between 'I'm fine!' and zombie-like states as you neglect your live children so that you can mourn your dead one.

I can't help it.

I have been trying. And what I have is a big fat lump in my throat. When I try and swallow it, it makes my eyes bulge out and then water comes out of them.

Strange phenomenon, that.


Rebecca F. said...

Happy birthday Elijah.

Anonymous said...

There is such a thing as anniversary syndrome. My mother tried to kill herself when I was fourteen, over MLK weekend. It took a LONG TIME for that holiday to pass without me getting the shakes and feeling like shit and wanting to throw myself in front of a bus.

Ask any war veteran and he will tell you the same thing happens every year when it rolls around to the time he got deployed, or his best friend died or something along those lines. It is normal- as normal as any of this CAN be- and if it helps... maybe stop trying to fight it? You are going to be sad this time of year. I'm sorry you have to be sad.

I am so sorry this happened to you and your family.

And that is a beautiful sky.

Linda said...

ridiculous, no..a mama, yes. You are struggling through something that most will never know. Happy Birthday, Elijah--"Happy Birthday".

And to you mama, I'm sending you all the heartfelt wishes possible.
Bless your lovely, lovely, heart. I'm holding you close to my heart--you are right here, right here...


Denise said...

Been thinking about you all day. I hope that you got my email. Love you.

Tracey said...

Sending you love, hon.

Boss of Seattle said...

My Dear One, You are doing great. You are growing and becoming more and more of the wonderful woman that you are. You are growing into a finer friend, a more compassionate mother, and a better planetary citizen. Your pain is, unfortunately, part of this process and as your friend I embrace you with all of it. the good, bad and the ugly. We are so lucky to have eachother and know that we will be there for eachother into the future as we have been there for eachother for the last 21 years. You can and are 'doing it' and doing it with grace and dignity. Thanks for giving me a glimpse into another's experience that has deepend not only you, but all of the people that you share your words with. I love you. Julia

Shannon and Carey said...

Happy Birthday beautiful boy. That sky is super awesome. Call me crazy, but that sky was for you mama.

Tricia said...

What I'd like to say is I love your friend BOS (aka Julia) and I'm so glad you have her in your life.

Your posts about Elijah are powerful strong and sometimes I have to step away from them. And then I remember you can't, and I am overwhelmed.

You've read the 'deep end of the ocean'? I imagine you treading through the water in that same way- looking for relief, an escape, just for a little while, maybe. Not forgetting, just 'being' as if it wasn't true.

Yeah, doesn't make much sense, does it???