Friday, March 28, 2008

I Talk to Ashes

I had this crazy dream.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Was it a dream or was it one of those revelations that comes to find your brain right before it turns into sleep mode, because that is when your brain is most vulnerable to such ideas?

Elijah's ashes have been calling me. They will not be ignored. I could not look at this box a year ago; now I cannot look away. I am drawn to them first thing in the morning. I check them again at night. I take the bag out and hold it. Or, should I say, I hold him? I don't know.
I confess, I have even talked to it/him. This morning I put his ducky in the huge empty space in the box.
Such a large box, for such a small bag of ashes.




What does all of this mean? Does this mean anything larger than it is? Is there some deeper meaning that I am failing to grasp? Does it mean we should say goodbye to the ashes, to the last physical remnants of his body? Does it mean we should not? Does it mean I should have conversations with the bag of ashes over my coffee each morning, until, years later, someone finds me attached to my toilet seat singing lullabies to myself softly, and decides that I am not right in the head?


Where is that fucking dead baby manual?


My dream was that he is made into a castle. His ashes are mixed with the sand of his beach, and lovingly formed into a castle at the shoreline; a tribute and an offering for the sea.

The castle is covered with flower petals and then slowly, the sea will take him away.
Just a dream.



16 comments:

Tricia said...

I think you are writing the dead baby manual... beautiful dream.

mamadaisy said...

i was going to say the same thing as tricia.

Tracey said...

Sigh... the dream sounds peaceful...

Carrie aka Alli's mom from LissAngels said...

WOW...Speechless!
((HUGS))
I'm thinking of you this weekend!

jenijen said...

i was going to say what tricia said too.
xoxo

Denise said...

G,
I think that you need to do whatever feels right for you. I have been thinking about Elijah's little box of ashes alot lately too. I have something that would be perfect for where his little box sits.
Love you
D

Rebecca F. said...

Where are the words that might provide some sort of solace or comfort? I think that there are none. None whatsoever.

A comment on a blog seems so inadequate, but I vote for keeping the ashes, especially because you are still so uncertain.

Rebecca F.

DadaMama said...

Maybe that is what Elijah wants for you? Something peaceful, something beautiful ... I can't get that image out of my head now, too.

Mrs. Who said...

I found your blog recently, added you to my Google Reader, and have been reading every one of your posts. My heart hurts every time I read about your terrible loss but your bravery makes me truly admire you. That being said, as a totally presumptious stranger, maybe your subconscious was telling you it's time to start trying to let go...let his ashes return to the earth. I know everyone has to deal with loss in their own way (my dad died a year ago and I still start to call him to talk about things) and I think you know best what will work for you. The fact that you are thinking and writing about this says you may be ready to make some changes. You have many people who are thinking about you, praying for you, and wishing you the best.

Shannon and Carey said...

The picture took my breath away. I too vote for keeping him with you. Cause I guess thats what I would do. Im like that.
-Shannon

Jess said...

It's a beautiful peaceful dream. A sandcastle built with love by mom and dad, and decorated by Supergirl. A lovely way to let go, and find that peace. I hope it becomes a reality for you.

Broady said...

What a beautiful, bittersweet image. Maybe that's the way, but perhaps now is not the time.

The other me said...

It was my job to collect my dad's ashes, I dreaded that task until I had him, in a posh urn type thing that matched the colour of my sofa and he ast in my TV for 2 days until I took him to mum's house. I got such peace from that wine coloured urn, I was sad when it didn't sit on my TV anymore. Who know why we feel these things, it probably doesn't even matter, just as long as we get through it, somehow.
I have been back to look at your picture of Elijah more times that I can count, because he is just divine. I think you are doing whatever you need to do rather beautifully, I hate that you have to do it though.

The other me said...

It was my job to collect my dad's ashes, I dreaded that task until I had him, in a posh urn type thing that matched the colour of my sofa and he ast in my TV for 2 days until I took him to mum's house. I got such peace from that wine coloured urn, I was sad when it didn't sit on my TV anymore. Who know why we feel these things, it probably doesn't even matter, just as long as we get through it, somehow.
I have been back to look at your picture of Elijah more times that I can count, because he is just divine. I think you are doing whatever you need to do rather beautifully, I hate that you have to do it though.

Anonymous said...

When I'm conflicted, it's the soft dream voice that invariably gives me a true north direction. The rest is my head playing games of angst and pain with me. I always go with the sign that points towards peace.

If it were me I would build that castle on the beach, and let the sea take him. Maybe he is ready to be a part of something bigger, to be incorporated into the fish, plankton, kelp and elephant seals.

My daughter told me the other day that she saw our dear lost Maggie in a tree. I said "where"? She said "Mommy, she's in all the trees and flowers, can't you see?". Why are kids so much wiser than us?

My heart is with you. xoxo

-Laurie

krystal said...

My heart aches from reading this.
It's not fair.
So tragic.
And yet you manage to keep your wit and humor about you, which is most admirable.