Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Why yes, I am feeling sensitive, thank you for asking.

Not surprisingly, dh and I have processed our grief about Elijah in completely different ways. In my opinion, he did what most fathers in his position would do - he jumped off the emotional cliff. I wallowed in it. He didn't want to talk about it; I needed (still need) to talk about it. He has a low tolerance for my need to process the details over and over, and so I rarely process with him. But he also has, on occasion, taken this sort of superior status on his process, as he condescends to me in my grieving path. For instance, you do realize, that I choose this pain, don't you? I choose to hold on to this grief. But he, because of his buddhist leanings, is not holding on to it! See? Simple.
But I don't judge him or tell him that I think he is full of shit and grief. I just let him do it his way. Who am I to say what works? Dead babies don't get you some sort of special manual, you know.
So, with that in mind...this very recent conversation pissed me off:

me: Have you seen the medical reords?

him: The what?

me: Elijah's medical records. I had them out the other day. I want to scan this picture of his MRI and compare it to a 'normal brain' side by side.

him: Oh. I see.

me: What. where is it?

him: I don't know. but you are 'doing the work.'

me: What???

him: It's the stage when you take grief and turn it...(wait for it)...into something else.

I had to go away and cry for a moment. At his daunting level of transcendence.


nailgirl said...

Oh G I am so so sorry. Gah how many times can I say that I am sorry? You, my friend got the shittiest stick it to you in the world. I am sorry that DH can't process how you are grieving. Men have a way of compartmentalizing that we women don't understand.

Lin said...

xoxoxoxoxoxox...wish I were closer.