When I was pregnant with Bubbles I went to a hypnotherapist specializing in people like me. That being, I assume: women, whom for whatever reasons, have more-than-average angst about their pregnancy. I am not a very good candidate for hypno-therapy, and I told her as much when making the appointment.
I remember more about the therapist part than the hypno- part. But that's because I really needed to talk to someone who could then put the nasty details into a more mystical conceptualization for me. And that really did help. I think. I am quite sure that it helped just because the woman - who spent hours and hours of time with me in our two 'one-hour' sessions - was so incredibly patient, kind, intuitive, experienced. And I was incredibly wobbly.
One thing I do remember very clearly during our session was when she asked me to imagine my unborn child and Supergirl playing together.
But I couldn't envision my unborn child (Bubbles) playing with Supergirl.
How could I - all I could do was rub that belly and imagine a blank slate. Nothing more.
And when asked to picture my children playing together, all I could picture was Elijah and Supergirl together. Snuggling in Kauai. Snuggling in the bed at home. Snuggling. Swimming. Playing. In a subdued sort of way.
And then that goddamned ~poof~!~ again...oh, he's dead. Kinda blew that hypno-moment.
I tried, I really tried. I wanted so badly to be able to imagine my children - my children, plural, as siblings - playing together. Growing together. Snuggling together. Fighting together. Loving together.
But I could not. I could not do it without the fear.
I am still afraid to have those moments where I glance into the future and I see the two of them playing, romping, growing, snuggling, arguing, loving....
But I do have them.
Because I am living them every day now. Every day, when Supergirl asks when Bubbles will wake up because she misses him. And when they rock out on the instruments while I make dinner. And when she cries because he has gone to bed without a proper kiss goodnight. And when they play 'Boo' in the car. Yes, outrageously ordinary stuff like that.
And I cannot believe my good fortune.